Add a joke thread

[JOLENE]

keep trying :p

well my first response was gonna be 'crybaby' .. so i thought i was being nice :eek:

[da_lozmeister]

Alright....I'm really bored so I'm reviving this thread...hope u like

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"


The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,


"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[da_lozmeister]

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.


"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."


He returns her gaze. "Anything?"


"Anything."


His voice softens. "Anything??"


"Absolutely anything."


His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

[t@rz]

This is the shittest joke but i laughed

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

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DAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!1

[JOLENE]

How Men Think

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them
was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight
response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was a small,
recognisable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the
trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they would
close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse,
no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they
cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[JOLENE]

Learn Chinese in 2 minutes ... (Please read definitions aloud for optimal memory retention)

1) That's not right ...................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive....... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP........................ ..Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ............................ Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ....................... .... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?........... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table.......Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift........ Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ............. Wao So Dim
10)I thought you were on a diet....Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone ..........No Pah King
12) Our meeting is tomorrow ........ Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight ............. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ...Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great ............................... Fa Kin Su Pah

[Shenelle]

hahahaha i love the chineese ones! nice! Im working till 11pm tonight, so please feel free to keep me entertained!

[what]

what did the lady say to michael jackson when she was sunbaking on the beach?
can you please get out of my sun

[:: katie b ::]

what did the lady say to michael jackson when she was sunbaking on the beach?
can you please get out of my sun
not funny toula

[what]

just cos you are a gay/pedophile rights activist. pfft.

[JOLENE]

settle down children

[Fuzzled_one]

Ok so this guy goes into this agency and has an interview with a casting director. The man asks what his name is and he says "Penis Van Lesbian", the casting director looks at him and says "Oh no, no that name will not do, you will have to come back when you have a better name, because you wont get anywhere with a name like that".
So 6months later the man comes back and says to the director "Well i changed my name", the casting director says "yes, well what is it? The man says "Dick Van Dyke"

[Shenelle]

PMSL - keep this thread up!

[STUIE]

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out
on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun in early 2002, happily
engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment
suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well
over 300 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier Fighter Jet
hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage
to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF (United Kingdom Airforce), but were
somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might
well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked
on to the "enemy" radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory
air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?) the Harrier was
operating unarmed.

[STUIE]

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look
glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

13. Bad cop! No donut!

14. Your radar gun is no match for the gun in my glovebox!

15. So you're with the police eh? Does that stand for People of Outstandingly
Low Intellectual Capabilities and Ethics?

16. What's the colour of a two-cent coin?

17. Well here's the bacon, but where's the eggs?

18. How many cops does it take to fuck up my day? JUST YOU!

19. You wouldn't have the balls to try and cuff me pig!

20. Are you gonna shoot me? Because if you don't I'll shoot you!

[STUIE]

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A - She's a prude;

B - You need to spend more time together; or

C - She should have sat elsewhere on the bus?

[fiddy003]

A man goes to his doctor and admits that he has a sexual problem. ‘I just can’t get it up for my wife any more,’ he says. ‘Don’t worry, Mr Williams,’ says the doctor. ‘Bring your wife in and I’ll see what I can do.’ The couple come in the next day and the doctor asks the wife to remove her clothes. Then he asks her to turn around and jump up and down. He turns to the man. ‘You’re fine,’ he says. ‘She didn’t give me an erection either.’ :confused:

[Shenelle]

ohhh those are Baaaaaad!

[lozzy]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber
smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you`re gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies. "I`m gonna get tits too."

[lozzy]

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

[lozzy]

A husband and wife are watching TV in bed. They are watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." The husband turns to the wife and says, "Do you want to have sex?" The wife says, "No." The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She says, "Yes." He says, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

[MISTER WOO]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber
smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you`re gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies. "I`m gonna get tits too."
Mwah...Bloody funny:D i remember that one before,a double entendre you might say:)

[STUIE]

2 Guys and a girl are stranded on a desert island. After two weeks, the girl is so ashamed of what she is doing with the 2 guys, she decides to kill herself. Another two weeks pass, and the 2 guys are so ashamed of what they are doing to her body, they decide to bury her. Two more weeks pass, and the 2 guys are so ashamed of what they are doing with eachother, they decide to dig her back up.


Did you hear about the young lady that went fishing with 5 men?

She came home with a big red snapper.

[cecilia]

can i add a joke? ok? okay here i go..
Shenelle playing hackisack. lol

[Seven]

Mwah...Bloody funny:D i remember that one before,a double entendre you might say:)



hahah aloz that joke made me luff so hard i quoted the bloody wrong thing shit damit!

[life is peachy without me]

hahah aloz that joke made me luff so hard i quoted the bloody wrong thing shit damit!

hahah sadder part is she had time to think about what she was doing :p

[fiddy003]

A couple of newlyweds are strolling along the beach one morning on honeymoon in Australia. Suddenly the husband spots a fat woman, stark naked, sitting legs akimbo, gorging herself on a fresh watermelon. Excited, he imagines his wife in the same position, and asks her if she would like to feel the sea breeze wafting between her legs? The wife looks at him in disgust. The next day, they take the same walk, and sure enough the naked woman is there again slobbering over a slice of watermelon. Unperturbed by his wife’s earlier refusal, the husband asks again if his bride would like to adopt the large woman’s stance and feel the cool air circulate against her fanny? Again, she declines. This happens everyday for two weeks, until the very last day, when yet again they spot the naked, fat woman. ‘Don’t you want to know how it feels to have your privates cooled by the salty air?’ the husband enquires. And again his missus gets the hump. ‘Well, if you’re not prepared to try it, why don’t you ask her how it feels and see if she can persuade you?’ Reluctantly his wife agrees and walks over to the open-legged bloater. ‘Er, excuse me, but my husband and I were wondering how it must feel to have the sea breeze wafting over your vagina?’ she asked nervously. ‘Ah, strewth, I don’t know,’ says the woman. ‘But it sure keeps the flies off my watermelon.’

[JOLENE]

A couple of newlyweds are strolling along the beach one morning on honeymoon in Australia. Suddenly the husband spots a fat woman, stark naked, sitting legs akimbo, gorging herself on a fresh watermelon. Excited, he imagines his wife in the same position, and asks her if she would like to feel the sea breeze wafting between her legs? The wife looks at him in disgust. The next day, they take the same walk, and sure enough the naked woman is there again slobbering over a slice of watermelon. Unperturbed by his wife’s earlier refusal, the husband asks again if his bride would like to adopt the large woman’s stance and feel the cool air circulate against her fanny? Again, she declines. This happens everyday for two weeks, until the very last day, when yet again they spot the naked, fat woman. ‘Don’t you want to know how it feels to have your privates cooled by the salty air?’ the husband enquires. And again his missus gets the hump. ‘Well, if you’re not prepared to try it, why don’t you ask her how it feels and see if she can persuade you?’ Reluctantly his wife agrees and walks over to the open-legged bloater. ‘Er, excuse me, but my husband and I were wondering how it must feel to have the sea breeze wafting over your vagina?’ she asked nervously. ‘Ah, strewth, I don’t know,’ says the woman. ‘But it sure keeps the flies off my watermelon.’



haha that is so wrong.. :D

[pinkcat]

A man goes to the zoo,

When he gets there,there was only a dog

It was a shitzu

[cecilia]

A man goes to the zoo,

When he gets there,there was only a dog

It was a shitzu

LMFAO!! oh. it's amazing how small things amuse small minds. :p

[MISTER WOO]

A man goes to the zoo,

When he gets there,there was only a dog

It was a shitzushit thats funny pinky:p

[:: katie b ::]

this biggest band thread is a joke.

[lozzy]

this biggest band thread is a joke.
WERD!

[STUIE]

# 2 Condoms are walking down the street. One condom says to the other condom "why don't we stop in at the gay bar and get shit faced?"

# did you know that in australia, the average adult vagina is 8'' deep,
while the average adult penis is only 6'' long?
This means there's 3,700 km of spare c_nt lurking around down under.

# 2 snowmen are standing in the garden when one turned to the other and said "can you smell carrot?"

# Q: What do you call an anorexic girl with ghonorea?
A: a quarter-pounder with cheese

# As she lay there sleeping next to me, a voice inside my head kept saying "relax Howard, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
but another voice reminded me.......
"HOWARD!!!! YOURE A FUCKING VETERINARIAN!"

# A child goes to his father and asks "dad, what does a vagina look like?"
his dad replies "well son, before sex it looks like a beautifully folded rose."
the child says "oh. I see. But what does it look like after sex?"
to which his dad replies "Son, ever seen a bulldog eat porridge?"

[Shenelle]

# 2 Condoms are walking down the street. One condom says to the other condom "why don't we stop in at the gay bar and get shit faced?"

# did you know that in australia, the average adult vagina is 8'' deep,
while the average adult penis is only 6'' long?
This means there's 3,700 km of spare c_nt lurking around down under.

# 2 snowmen are standing in the garden when one turned to the other and said "can you smell carrot?"

# Q: What do you call an anorexic girl with ghonorea?
A: a quarter-pounder with cheese

# As she lay there sleeping next to me, a voice inside my head kept saying "relax Howard, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
but another voice reminded me.......
"HOWARD!!!! YOURE A FUCKING VETERINARIAN!"

# A child goes to his father and asks "dad, what does a vagina look like?"
his dad replies "well son, before sex it looks like a beautifully folded rose."
the child says "oh. I see. But what does it look like after sex?"
to which his dad replies "Son, ever seen a bulldog eat porridge?"

OMG - gross! Ewwww

[fiddy003]

A woman is lying in the road after being run over. The driver of the vehicle that knocked her down comes to her help. ‘Are you all right, love?’ he asks. ‘You’re just a blur,’ she says. ‘So my sight is clearly affected.’ Very concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight. ‘How many fingers have I got up?’ he asks her. ‘Oh shit!’ she replies. ‘I must be paralysed from the waist down as well.’ :eek:

[fiddy003]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away Jennie went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained ‘He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning’ Horrified Jennie suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. ‘Oh no’ her gran replied, ‘We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells, in with the dings and out with the dongs.’ She paused, and wiped away a tear. ‘If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive’. :eek:

[STUIE]

1.

The sky was dark, The moon was high
All alone, Just her and I
Her hair so soft, Her eyes so blue
I knew just what, She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!

2.

When I was a little girl, I had a little quim.
I would sit upon my bed and put a finger in.
Now I am a woman, I've lost my grace and charm.
I can get all 5 fingers in,
and HALF MY FUCKIN' ARM!!

3.

There once was a vampire named Mabel,
who's periods were heavy, but stable.
On the night of full moon, she picked up a spoon,
and drank herself under the table!

[STUIE]

Some funny pictures.....

http://storage.msn.com/x1pbglk-vqL4Bt4D3yjnbSKBXFmY7Iu3NWOil0RZk1mZ4BcVmh3lYPPBvd sHoeqzjuMyPLs4ycu5fiXbKr-2lq9Yds4m5m_oQsgje6boIsBK2yYQtw9P9lGB7ToZ1UpjSWRgQ NX4PpDiUChQvwEEtKmpQ

http://storage.msn.com/x1pbglk-vqL4Bt4D3yjnbSKBXFmY7Iu3NWOil0RZk1mZ4AxN9Yhj9FAGY0 ukWR5I6tqKEyDmCNPHdu6fkR192b1w0iSA92vwdTWPMxVkxmx0 fNsC1g76Rx-NHm-YUuLZVcJol6PALT5w63piU9i2UIDcFC9gBmbiA_5

http://storage.msn.com/x1pbglk-vqL4Bt4D3yjnbSKBXFmY7Iu3NWOil0RZk1mZ4DxHx59Zo69KVq jX5P4PztLdXAr_j-N4DvZqZiju-OTzLSeYUIclOorjiJoPP4Fm-bjykhBAwIK0hPagWQ5AyBSbOC8UnHo4ZLmxrOpF1xB7w

http://storage.msn.com/x1pbglk-vqL4Bt4D3yjnbSKBXFmY7Iu3NWOil0RZk1mZ4AxuTrBGFAGa2i eOejieE-ciozFbaFWDdKzLzjDwy2Z2y2Ydwl6s_XCdqPTjRfXIh6LBM5X9 aIz1c8qZ_0mJ9SWz63nZysXaxmjKhZDJF0hwK2Nz9emSiXs

[fiddy003]

Those pics are hilarious... Specially the bear one.. lol :D :p

[fiddy003]

A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it. ‘Cute,’ says the woman. ‘Is that a pet?’ The man smiled. ‘Yes, and he’s good at doing tricks too.’ ‘Like what?’ ‘He eats pussy. Come back to my place and I’ll prove it to you …’ Once in the bedroom, the girl strips off and puts the frog between her legs. The frog doesn’t move. After a couple of minutes the woman looks at the immobile frog, and finally demands, ‘Well?’ The man shakes his head sorrowfully, picks up the frog, and says, ‘Okay, you idiot, I’m only going to show you one more time.’ :eek:

[fiddy003]

Hoping to start breeding pigs, a farmer goes out and buys some of the finest sows he can find. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant. He calls a vet, who informs him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what the vet means by this, but undeterred, he asks how he will know when his new purchases have become pregnant. He explains that his pigs will stop standing there and lay down and start rolling around in the mud. Giving it some thought, the dumb farmer concludes that artificial insemination must require him impregnating his livestock himself – so he loads them into the truck and drives them out into the woods to have sex with them all. The next morning, the farmer looks out of the window only to see his pigs standing around in the field. Desperately, he takes them out to the woods again and bangs them all twice for good measure before retiring to bed. The next morning, he wakes up to find the pigs still standing around in the field. ‘One more try,’ he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and upon returning home, falls straight asleep. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself to look at the pigs, so he asks his wife to look out and see if they're lying in the mud. ‘No’, she says. ‘They're all in the back of the truck and one of them's honking the horn.’ :D

[STUIE]

This was taken from a news website the day after that apartment block fell into the tunnell in sydney...... NOTE: check out the banner ad below the image :D :D :D

http://storage.msn.com/x1pbglk-vqL4Bt4D3yjnbSKBXFmY7Iu3NWOil0RZk1mZ4CnkQeN4cwI9sH 47vaLCdw7ZKawE6q5VchD6cJLa9v3T5HiMiHgd5Vb6fyAESUqI suG3FvFFLb5NnhYTQ8xdkZDSRd74F-JcfVifXaco6k0uA

[fiddy003]

HAHA crafty buggers
:D

[Shenelle]

pmsl - nice one! _ I love this thread - brings me all sorts of entertainment at the best of times!

[fiddy003]

George’s girlfriend decided she wanted to please her man, so one day she went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties. That night she lay on the bed and waited for George to come home. When he got in he was greeted by the sight of his woman lying on the bed with her legs spread, wearing nothing but her new underwear. ‘Hi Georgie,’ she said in a throaty voice. ‘You want some of this?’ ‘Jesus Christ, no!’ George screams. ‘Look what it’s done to your knickers!’

[Shenelle]

hahahaha thats a good one! :p

[STUIE]

A man comes home from work to find his wife lying naked on the dinner table. She points to her pussy and says "You wan't this for dinner?" to which he replies "Nah, I had that for lunch"

[leash0002]

ok so little johnny is out in the backyard pretending to be an aeroplane. he flies along the backyard and stops at the sand pit. he says "all you mother f****ers who want to get off get off and all you mother f****ers who want to get on get on". so he starts up again and flies for a little while and pulls up at the sandpit again and says "all you mother f****ers who want to get off get off and all you mother f****ers who want to get on get on".
Then Little Johnny's mother comes out yelling, saying "johnny you go to your room for three hours and think about that bad language of yours!". so he goes inside and comes back out after three hours and starts flying around again.
He pulls out over the sandpit again and says
"all you mother f****ers who want to get off get off and all you mother f****ers who want to get on get on and all you mother f****ers who want to complain about the three hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen!!!"

[STUIE]

Little Jonny is in the bath with his mum when he asks "Mum, whats that between your legs?" His mother, thinking quickly says: "Umm... well jonny, that's where your father hit me with an axe." Jonny says "Gee that's a good shot. He got ya right in the c#nt!"

[STUIE]

as you wish :p

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and
productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all
employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity
Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than
anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in
Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who
fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee
Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do
not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T
already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training
others. We can add your name to our Basic
Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of
B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for
promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of
Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,


Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

Similar one:

New management policy


Dear Staff,

Due to the current Iraq war and subsequent slowdown of
the economy, Management has decided to implement a
scheme to put workers 40 years of age or older on
early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People
Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management
to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After
Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be
reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering
Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED
as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS
(Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES
(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel with Early
Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special
High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has
always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to
employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT,
please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor.
They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you
can handle.

THE MANAGEMENT

[STUIE]

Last night I was going to sleep, I looked up and observed the millions of stars, the dark silver clouds drifting past a vibrant full moon, and the occasional inspiring shooting star.

It was in that moment of complete tranquility I thought to myself.... "Were the fuck is my roof?"

[STUIE]

A 747 aircraft is on final aproach to the airport, when the pilot says to his co-pilot
"Oh my GOD! That is the shortest runway I have ever seen! This is gonna be close!"
The co-pilot looks out ahead and says "You're right! That would have to be the shortest runway in the world! Surely we cant safely land on that!"
The pilot replies "We're gonna have to. We haven't got enough fuel to go elsewhere!"
The pilot slows the plane as much as he possibly can and as the wheels hit the runway he
screams to his co-pilot "FULL BRAKES!!! ENGINES FULL REVERSE!!!"
The plane grinds to a holt just inches from the end of the runway, the tires are completely
melted and all of the passengers are noticably shaken. The pilot says to his co-pilot
"That was horrible! Why would someone make a runway so short?" To which the co-pilot
replies "I have no idea. And it's so fucking wide too!"

[funky monkey]

hey tip rat your a funny guy!
why did the toilet paper jump off a cliff?................
to get to the bottom!
haha... so lame

[STUIE]

Q: What's green and eats nuts?

A: Syphilis

[STUIE]

Penis Requests a Raise



I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labor

I work at great depths

I plunge head first into everything I do

I do not get weekends off or public holidays

I work in a damp environment

I don't get paid overtime

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

I work in high temperatures

My work exposes me to contagious diseases




Dear Penis,


After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:


You do not work 8 hours straight

You fall asleep on the job after brief work period

You do not always follow the orders of the management team

You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing

You'll retire well before reaching 65

You're unable to work double shifts

You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace
carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.


Sincerely,

The Management

[STUIE]

Dear Mum and Dad,

Our scout leader told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
pictures of the flood on TV, and were worried. We're okay. Only one of
our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got
drowned, because we were all up on the mountain looking for Nick when it
happened.

Oh yes, please phone Nicks mother and tell her that he is okay. He can't
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue
jeeps. It was cool. We would never of found him in the dark if it hadn't
been for the lightning. Scout leader Dean got mad at Nick for going on a
hike alone without telling anyone. Nick said he did tell him, but it was
during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you
put gas on a fire, the gas can blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our
clothes. Mark is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if scout leader Dean gets the car fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scout leader Dean said that with a car that old, you have to expect
something to break down, it's probably why he cant get insurance.

We think it's a cool car. He doesn't care if we get dirty and if it's hot, he
sometimes lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in
a car, so he lets us take turns riding in the trailer, until a policeman
stopped us for a chat to Dean.

Scout leader Dean is cool. Don't worry, he's a good driver. Infact, he's
teaching Paul how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.
All we ever see up there are logging trucks

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in
the lake. Scout leader Dean wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Nick
was afraid he would sink because of the cast, so he let us take the canoe
across the lake. It was cool. You can still see some of the trees under the
water from the flood.

Scout leader Dean isn't fussy like some scout leaders. He didn't even get
mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the
car, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Craig dived
into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Nick and I threw up, but scout leader Dean said it was probably just food
poison from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the
food they ate at prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scout
leader. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he
was doing his time.

By the way, what is a paedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some
Vaseline. We are all fine.

Love Anthony

[STUIE]

The World Health Organisation has just issued an urgent warning about BARS
(Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome).

A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The
disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome) affects
people of many different ages.
Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500
BC, the disease seems to affect people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns
or who just congregate.

It is not known how the disease is transmitted but
approximately three billion people world-wide are affected, with thousands
of new cases appearing every day. Early symptoms of the disease include
an uncontrollable urge at 5:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage.
This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays.

More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly, singing
off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence (even
towards uglies), uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked
arguing.

In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak
incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of
clothing and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death ensues, usually
accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet you can't do this!"
or "Wanna see how fast it goes??"

If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine
yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms
have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very
short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday.

Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property,
killer headaches and divorce.

On the up side, there is not, and probably never will be, a permanent
cure.

[Shenelle]

Thanks for providing me with 20 mins of entertainment! Glad to see this thread is still alive!

[STUIE]

Thanks for providing me with 20 mins of entertainment! Glad to see this thread is still alive!

Pleanty more where those came from mate - about 12 gigabytes worth....

[STUIE]

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new
art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie hes probably a media billionaire.
Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them
inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are criminals.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of
the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. Its not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty underwear, as in America, but a fine example of
Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as
exciting as you had hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast,
your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh
conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of
mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless
with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself,
but to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, its not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has
the swimming pool.

17. Its considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

18. The phrase "weve got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night
drinking the hosts beer. (Dont worry, he'll have catered for it).

20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres,
you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own.
If you dont need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on
your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable.
Just dont sit. Thats what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that
can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always
be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

27. The chief test of manhood is ones ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations
on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is
"being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australians life when he/she realises that the fly repelant
is worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to
anyone... EVER! It also doesn't have the bit about the true test for immigration to
Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mowing a sloping
lawn (at least 20 degreeangle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the
cricket. If you can't pass that Chances are you will never be able to pass yourself
off as a true Aussie.

[STUIE]

A young boy is playing in a cubby house at the local park, when a strange looking man approached and said "hey little boy, if I give you a sweet can I come in your cubby house?"
The boy looks the man up and down and after a moment's consideration says "If you give me the whole packet you can come in my mouth!"

[STUIE]

1) I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3) How about never? Is never good for you?

4) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9) It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10) Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13) I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23) And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24) Do I look like a people person?

25) This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26) I started out with nothing & still have most of it left!

27) Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28) If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29) Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30) Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed it.

31) I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32) A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33) Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34) Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

35) How do I set a laser printer to stun?


Please feel free to add to this list :)

[STUIE]

Why are hurracanes named after women?
Because when they come they are wild and wet but when they go they take your house and car.

[STUIE]

http://storage.msn.com/x1pbglk-vqL4Bt4D3yjnbSKBXFmY7Iu3NWOil0RZk1mZ4C6esOuwmcXW3b 68Py-8Z0OwTwH6k5uMsFZ85i9r3ijz-0jwnr0b3VvcAFzbbdx3r90G8myvC6ivQv9TgVAh9zn4ove0L6C o2hqPlOtp0U_AJP3q61xLiq3

[STUIE]

http://storage.msn.com/x1pbglk-vqL4Bt4D3yjnbSKBXFmY7Iu3NWOil0RZk1mZ4AkpQfd6acqGhA gTpeiIzqEL8evV-zkTVP_RyBU1MZzvbXkKNoVyl3RqSFLenZ6ez0Azbowsit2NvYU AP2G6KNB26IrLxQLa6RgOTKbLshhnHZuWFRBr5YW

[STUIE]

> >ST ALBANS SECONDARY COLLEGE - MATHEMATICS EXAM
> >
> >BRIMBANK CITY COUNCIL
> >
> >MATHEMATICS EXAM
> >
> >NAME ............................
> >
> >GANG ............................
> >
> >Time allowed 1 hour
> >
> >
> >
> >1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen
>
> >18-inch Auscar slotted wheels, how many inches has he originally lost
> >from the stock suspension?
> >
> >2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors
> >will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?
> >
> >3. If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Noble Park to Springvale
> >South then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Keysborough , how
> >many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Parkmore
> >Shopping Centre?
> >
> >4. Phan has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for
> >$320.00 and 2 grams to Dak Hoang for $85.00 per gram, what is the
> >street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
> >
> >5. If Darren receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from
> >Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a
> >further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his
> >11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a
> >smashed Tarago from the Keysborough Wreckers?
> >
> >6. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair
> >and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if
> >she is 47?
> >
> >7. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of
> >10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many
> >drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
> >
> >8. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop in Dandy Plaza and works as a Taxi
> >driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does
> >Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?
> >
> >9. If Dandenong's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per
> >month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what
> >rate are the Aussies leaving?
> >
> >10. Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the
> >trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can
> >pay for his $200 per day crack habit?
> >
> >11. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from
> >Dandenong North to Hampton Park, how many round trips will he need to
> >make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his
>
> >Valiant at any one given time?
> >
> >12. If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals
> >1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17
>
> >sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm,
> >what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:
> >
> >a) 2 feet away .....%
> >
> >b) 5 feet away .....%
> >
> >c) 100 feet away .....%
> >
> >
> >
> >END OF EXAM

[STUIE]

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a
mistake.

The average person can't.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down

[Casey Q]

ha ha so funny, i actually did it and was proud of myself then read the third word of every line and was like ohhhhhhhhhhh i am a retard!!

[STUIE]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was
on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and
become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college
what was involved,signed up for evening classes, attended diligently,
and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached,
the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam
with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to
find that he had received a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called
the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which
needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the
engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also
worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra
50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

[cecilia]

http://storage.msn.com/x1pbglk-vqL4Bt4D3yjnbSKBXFmY7Iu3NWOil0RZk1mZ4AkpQfd6acqGhA gTpeiIzqEL8evV-zkTVP_RyBU1MZzvbXkKNoVyl3RqSFLenZ6ez0Azbowsit2NvYU AP2G6KNB26IrLxQLa6RgOTKbLshhnHZuWFRBr5YW
omg this cracked me up so much.

[STUIE]

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind
eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion
over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a
cracker? FUCK NO!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the
fridge."

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! Oh brilliant, asshole. There's a new one!"

Cat: "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."

Dog: "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable
to stop myself from looking for it."

Dog: "Why is the baby eating my food..."

Hamster: "Kill me, this wheel is boring."

Iguana: "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food
bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips scraping my ass.

Dog: "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my crap! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll
know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."

Dog: "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."

Cat: "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the
balcony' test again."

Gerbil: "OH NO, not again!"

[STUIE]

Ok - so I notice this forum has alot of uni students... If you can answer these four questions (and be honest with yourself) then you may just get a degree after all!




FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the
second person. What position are you in?


ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his
place, you are second!


Try not to screw up in the next question
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took
for the first question. (You know you took too much time.)


SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?






ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are
wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!


THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your
head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.

What is the total?





ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't
believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your
day. Maybe you will get the last question right?


LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene,Nini,
Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?





ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's
name is Mary. Read the question again.


You ARE the WEAKEST LINK!!

[STUIE]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on
the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he
finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it
was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here,
flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to
run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and
wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."

[STUIE]

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE".

2. You watched the Pound Puppies.

3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair " ...and can do the "Carlton".

4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.

5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.

6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.

7. You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom.

8. Two words: Hammer Pants.

9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock ".

10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and "spokey-dokes" or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect.

11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales". (Woo ooh!)

12. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.

14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen... and still know the turtles names.

15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.

17. You played the game "MASH ". (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)

18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.

19. L.A. Gear... need I say more.

20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM " in Kindergarten. (She's truly outrageous)

21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing " and all the Ramona books.

22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF".

23. You wanted to be a Goonie.

24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us... head-to-toe)

25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard.

28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

29. You still get the urge to say "NOT " after every sentence.

30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.

31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.

32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hookup.

33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. (and like #24, probably in neon colors, too)

35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"

37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.

39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.

40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.

41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.

42. You remember Popples.

43. "Don't worry, be happy"

44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.

45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do...getting yelled at by "younger hip" members of the family)

46. "Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK "

47. You remember boom boxes. and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

48. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.

49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!"

50. You remember watching "Rainbow Bright" and "My Little Pony Tales "

51. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.

52. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool... and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB".

54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By the Bell ", the ORIGINAL class.

55. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.

56. You just sang those words to yourself.

57.You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.

58. Homemade Levi shorts. (the shorter the better)

59. You remember when mullets were cool!

60. You had a mullet!

61. You still sing "We are the World"

62. You tight rolled your jeans.

63. You owned a bannana clip.

64. You remember "Where's the Beef?"

65. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' about Willis?"

66. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.

67. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head,aren't you!

[pinkcat]

click on thre link and use the arrow keys to get santa drunk
dont touch the track

use your arrow keys to take santa to his goal of complete alcohol oblivion!

http://www.banditos.info/speles/sobersanta2.swf

[STUIE]

lmfao pink - you got me addicted now!

[STUIE]

my best score is 996

[STUIE]

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!" The doctor says "What's your problem?" The guy says, Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking.. For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing.. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches, Then at night I give the missus another screw... "Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?" The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

[STUIE]

Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer,
men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory
is that beer contains female hormones (as hops contain phytoeostrogens)
and drinking it may turn men into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each to drink
within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men
gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly
emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over
nothing, refused to apologize when obviously wrong, and had to sit down
while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary.

[MISTER WOO]

That's very funny Stuie,:D i like it:)

[STUIE]

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs.
Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

[STUIE]

(For those who are unaware, Queanbeyan is a NSW town on the NSW/ACT border. It is generally
thought of as a redneck's paradise. The people are steriotypically slow and are missing teeth. Please feel free to substitute "Queanbeyan" for that hick town you know of)


A major earthquake measuring 6.8 on the Richter scale hit in the
early hours of this morning, with the epicentre in Queanbeyan.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "Farkinell"
and "Whadda carnt". The epicentre decimated the area causing
approximately $30 worth of improvements.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Torana
Appreciation Society and the Queanbeyan Progress Society
were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived.
QBN Radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused &
bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in the area.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith - a 15 year old mother of 5 said
"It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into
my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept
through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry
Springer the next morning".

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as
normal. The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite
to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still
searching through and have found large quantities of personal belongings,
which include benefit books, Canterbury Buldogs shirts, jewellery from Priceline
and bone china from Woolworths.

*****How can you help******

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for
those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after. Items most needed include: baseball caps, tracksuit tops
(his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sports socks, sturdy boots and
any other items usually sold in Op Shops.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include: Fruit Loops, Kebabs, McDonalds, KFC,
ice-cream & cans of Red Bull, VB, Bacardi Breezer or Special Brew.

If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in
compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips and blue fizzy drinks for a
family of nine; $10.00 will pay for a packet of Benson and Hedges and a
lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter as the sight of expensive housing
is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas.

[STUIE]

>Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
>
>Your orgasms are real. Always.
>
>Your last name stays put.
>
>The garage is all yours.
>
>Wedding plans take care of themselves.
>
>You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
>
>Chocolate is just another snack.
>
>You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting shagged.
>
>Car mechanics tell you the truth.
>
>Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
>
>Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said...
>
>You don't give a f**k if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
>
>Hot wax never comes near your pubes.
>
>Wrinkles add character.
>
>A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you
>tarnished.
>
>You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
>
>People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
>
>The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
>
>New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
>
>Porn films are designed with you in mind.
>
>Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything
>different?"
>
>You can appreciate great sport.
>
>You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
>
>One mood, ALL the time.
>
>A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
>
>You can open all your own jars.
>
>Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
>
>You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
>
>You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
>
>You can kill your own food.
>
>You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
>
>If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
>your friend.
>
>Everything on your face stays its original colour.
>
>Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
>
>You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is
>coming.
>
>You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hour
>without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
>
>You don't mooch off other's desserts.
>
>You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
>
>If another bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
>might become lifelong friends.
>
>You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
>
>You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
>
>You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
>
>The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
>
>You don't have to shave below your neck.
>
>Your belly usually hides your big hips.
>
>One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
>
>You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
>
>You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
>
>Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
>24th,in 45 minutes.
>
>Same job .... . more pay.
>
>The world is your urinal

[STUIE]

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation y having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Are you paying attention to me?" The doctor calmly replied "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."

[STUIE]

Dear Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from
your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so
that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not
sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled
the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said
it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so
we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what
it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby
looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him
cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph
was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
other two friends were in back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

[funky monkey]

Your A Funny One Stuie!! :d

[STUIE]

Glad I could entertain you

[STUIE]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but Is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This Also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is ! decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute. Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in Tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines, with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... But not as great as Guam!)

[~Lou~]

Men Are Like
..Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

..Bike helmets.
They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

..Copiers.
You need them in reproduction but that's about it.

..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at it but not all that bright.

..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

..High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

..Mini skirts.
If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

..Handguns.
Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

..Floor tiles.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.

..Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

[Shenelle]

hahaha classic! Thanks stoo!

[STUIE]

hahaha classic! Thanks stoo!

Welcome :) there's pleanty more to come

[STUIE]

1)We don’t need to share our feelings, so consider yourselves lucky if we do.
2)We don’t need to work out because we’re stronger than you already.
3)Guys and girls like sex just the same supposedly, so you should give it to us more.
4)We all masturbate and assume that you do too, telling us otherwise is cruel.
5)We love porn.
6)Hmmmm...girls in Jeeps...dykes...
7)Guys need food, water, and sex to survive.
8)We think about having sex with you all the time.
9)Being able to give good head is more important being able to share your feelings.
10)We might thing you’re a dyke if you play field hockey or softball on a regular basis.
11)Touch our penis.
12)No woman drivers...NONE.
13)Guys don’t mind going down on you if you’ll do the same to them, quit making such a big deal out of it.
14)We’re not your all night therapist.
15)Anything we say or do during that 4 days to a week each month cannot be held against us because you’re being a bitch.
16)If we hold your hand while we are driving we want you to put it in our lap.
17)Hook us up with a threesome.
18)You look hot in nothing.
19)If you think for any reason that we like you then we probably don't.
20)Video game time is a sacred practice amongst males and if we let you be there, you should be honored.
21)All girls are high maintanance.
22)If we comment on how much you can eat, we’re impressed and mean no offense.
23)If you withhold sex because your mad, we’ll look for it elsewhere.
24)You just can't force us to like shopping, cats or your friends.
25)We're typically smarter than you...girls are just stupid
26)If you do not own crotchless panties, stop reading this list, and go invest in some...right now.
27)The ability to drink heavily will get you laid, like it or not.
28)We're sorry, the Olsen Twins are hot...get over it!!!
29)Walks in the rain, kisses on the forehead, and cooking dinner for you must be rewarded with oral sex.
30)Just because we're in a serious relationship doesn't mean we plan to marry you someday, so don’t expect a ring.
31)Our finger skills from video games only pertain to video games, using them elsewhere is a waste of our talents.
32)We can talk to and hang out with any girl we want, it’s not cheating, and you can hang out with other guys, we don’t give a damn.
33)We’re never wrong.
34)Don’t ask us to dance unless you intend on buying us a lot of alcohol first.
35)On that note, if you buy us said alcohol, expect us to grope other girls...and lots of them.
36)Don’t speak.
37)If you won’t kiss on the first date, put out on the second.
38)Make fun of our friends...prepare to die.
39)If we don’t offer to pay for you, it’s because we’re broke, we’ll pay when we can.
40)Tell us we're hung.
41)The "little things" in a relationship aren’t anything in particular and it’s just something stupid to talk about.
42)Foreplay requires effort on our part, so don’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen.
43)If we screw you over, we can kick you older brother’s ass, as well as your guy friends’, so tell them to bring it.
44)If we look at other girls, be thankful we’re not touching.
45)If you don’t want to have sex with us after we break up, then stay the hell away from us.
46)If you don’t want to be friends with benefits, don’t put yourself in that situation.
47)We’re not sensitive and you need to follow our example.
48)One word when it comes to smoking...quit.
49)We don’t mind you ex-boyfriends and may exchange funny stories about you with them.
50)If you’re going to fall, don’t wear those stupid high shoes.

[STUIE]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question,
and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it
out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and
after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

[STUIE]

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

[STUIE]

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you

[~Lou~]

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you

hahaha i like that Stuie and so true... :D

[STUIE]

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, “Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell checkers. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the spelling of the actual word to match Chuck's.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existance.

In the original pilot for Star Trek: Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

[STUIE]

3 men are sitting in a bar having a chat. The first says "Im so proud. I have four sons,
one more and they could make a basketball team."
the second guy speaks up and says "Im so proud too.
I have 8 sons, one more and they could make a softball team."
the third guy says "Im so proud. I have 17 daughters........
one more and i could have a golf course!"

[~Lou~]

- If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
- Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
- Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
- Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
- What do people in China call their good plates?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables then what is baby oil made from?
- Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a Billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

[STUIE]

- If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
- Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
- Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
- Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
- What do people in China call their good plates?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables then what is baby oil made from?
- Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a Billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

- Why is it that something that is sent by car called a "shipment" and something sent by ship "cargo"?
- Could you ever live in a world without any hypothetical situations?

[~Lou~]

- Why is it that something that is sent by car called a "shipment" and something sent by ship "cargo"?
- Could you ever live in a world without any hypothetical situations?

oh i like those ones stu especially the hypothetical one :)

[STUIE]

oh i like those ones stu especially the hypothetical one :)

Great - here's more:

- Which of us is the opposite sex?
- What has posterity ever done for me?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Why is abbreviation such a long word?
- Why is it that wrong numbers are always home when you call?
- If the world is getting smaller, why do telephone bills get bigger?
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Could a half-wit work part time for intellegence?
- Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime?
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- Instead of having ballet dancers dancing around on tip-toe, why don't they hire taller dancers?
- How do chooks know the size of our egg cups?
- What good are rhetorical questions?

[Casey Q]

how many emo's does it take to screw in a light bullb?




None because they all sit in the dark crying!

[STUIE]

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[MISTER WOO]

Stuie your humour cracks me up:) love it!:D

[jademonty]

stuie was dat real..:p sorry i cant tell i hope no one was hurt!
Oj good old lame jokes you get from the crackers at christmas..this one is fking lame!
What did the bell say to the other bell??
Give us a ring sum time

Where does santa stay when he is on hoildays....
A ho ho hotel

[STUIE]

Its real

[STUIE]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm
afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places
that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side
effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
She replies ''On my nuts."

[STUIE]

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs,
20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to,
by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall,
weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'".

[STUIE]

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Ill bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."

The bartender agrees to take the bet, so the man removes his glass eye, puts the eye in his mouth, and bites it.

"Thats not fair," says the bartender., "How was I to know you had a glass eye?"

"Very well, then, Ill bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye."

The reluctant bartender agrees to take the bet, so the man pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.

By now, the bartender is really pissed off. He hands the man his money and walks away.

The man sits down at a table and starts drinking beer after beer. Some ten beers later, the man gets up and starts talking to another patron.

Sometime later, the man says to the bartender, "You know, I wasnt to fair to you earlier, so Ill give you a chance to win your money back. Ill bet you $500 that I can stand on a barstool 5 feet from the bar and piss into a shot glass without getting any on your bar."

The bartender thinks about the bet to ensure there are no catches, and then reluctantly agrees to take the bet.

The man pulls the barstool to within 5 feet of the bar, exposes his member, and begins urinating right into the shot glass.

To the bartenders delight, though, the man loses his footing, causing him to urinate all over the bar. The bartender laughs at the man. He starts wiping up the mess from the bar, and says, "I knew you couldnt do it!"

The man reaches into his pocket and pays the bartender $500, then says to the bartender, "Fair is fair. But, you know, I bet the man down at the end of the bar $2,000 that I would stand on a barstool, piss all over your bar, and that you would laugh and clean it up."



------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and cant help but ask, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Whats it telling you now?"
"Well, it says youre not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[STUIE]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, lets go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to grant three wishes- Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And whats your wish, genie?” the husband said.
"Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, hon