Add a joke thread

[Jillibean]

Here are some telltale signs of cars you may want to avoid...


If it's manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.

Passenger-side "airbag" is actually deodorant can and plastic bag crammed inside your glove box.

Two Words: Holden Commodore

Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.

Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.

Car has spent more time on "A Current Affair" than on the road.

It has been disqualified from a billycart race for lack of structural integrity.

When you turn on the wipers, two guys climb out of the boot with squeegees.

It comes with the jaws of life in the boot.

The hood ornament? An Emu with its head in the sand.

The NRMA service number is moulded into dashboard.

The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.

It's a four cylinder car and everyone comments on your new V8.

WOOT! I gotta copy this and get back at my rivals!
Just out of interest...who are you for...? FORD??!!! betta be ...woof

[STUIE]

WOOT! I gotta copy this and get back at my rivals!
Just out of interest...who are you for...? FORD??!!! betta be ...woof

Ford man right here!

[GoTheHiggsta]

Ok, so this joke was told to me just this morning by our storeman....

"What's worse than a carboard box" ??

[STUIE]

did you forget to post a punchline mate?

[GoTheHiggsta]

Nup, it was aquestion... I was waiting for an answer..

"paper tits'

[David: Had Squad]

A man was in the street pouring petrol over an Afgani. A policeman walks up and says "what are you doing?"
"oh about 5 to the gallon"

[David: Had Squad]

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

The little boy tied up in the back of my car

[GoTheHiggsta]

This one's better than my last one....:)

The boss comes in to work to find the receptionist in tears sobbing, trying to cheer her up he talks to her for a while, Finds out what the problem is, the receptionist says, I cant beleieve it my mum has just died, devistated the boss suggests that she takes the day off, she replies, no it's ok, I'll be ok. Through out the day she gains composure and seems to be coping quite well. Later that afternoon, the boss finds her in tears again, and asks what is up, is your mum ?
She replys, no it's not. Can you believe my sister just called and her mum has died too. !

[Falling]

Amanda.

Amanda who?

Amanda Wrin.....:cool:

[STUIE]

There are three girls in a bar bragging to each other how loose there pussies are. One says "Mine is so loose that my boyfiend can get his whole fist in" Second one says "Mine is loose enough that my boyfriend can get both his fists in" The Third one laughs and slides down the bar stool.

[da_lozmeister]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
"Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me
to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me
down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"


(ps...stuie...that last one was SO wrong!)

[GoTheHiggsta]

Amanda.

Amanda who?

Amanda Wrin.....:cool:

I thought it was Amanda Hugnkiss.

[7th Falcon]

Pinoccio was walking throught the forest one day.
Then suddenly out of nowhere Snow White runs up behind him, sits on his face, and screams "LIE TO ME!"...:p


lol, sorry kids.

[David: Had Squad]

Whats the first thing a paedophile says when he gets released from prison?

I feel like a kid again!

[Shenelle]

nothing like a bit of entertainment to brighten up my day! :)

[graceonthebass]

A man walked into a bar and he sees a little tiny man sitting on the bar playing a little tiny piano. The man says to the bartender "Hey, what's this little piano playing man and where did you get him?" The bartender pulls out a lamp and replies "A genie gave me this lamp and he said that if I rub it i will get one wish. here you have a try."
So the man took the lamp, rubbed it and sure enough a genie popped out to grant him his wish..."I wish for...A MILLION BUCKS..." The man said.
10 seconds later, into the bar walked a million Ducks. The man says to the bartender "Hey, what's going on here? i wished for a million dollars and i got a million DUcks. I don't want a million ducks."
The bartender replied "Well, do you think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

[STUIE]

1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

2. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

3. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

4. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

5. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

6. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

7. EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

8. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

9. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

10. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

11. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

12. GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

13. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

14. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

15. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

16. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

17. RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

18. SALT: It never spoils.

19. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

20. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.

[GoTheHiggsta]

Nice one stuie, Sadly I can sort of relate to this.... especially the carrots. Oh and Normal cheese does go off, but it's ok you cut the bad bits off, and call it Vintage cheese. :)

[STUIE]

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

[STUIE]

Q. What did Jeffry Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?

A. Are you going to eat that?

[STUIE]

I found this oe and it made me think of you shenelle :)


The British Governments policy of socialized medicine has recently
been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the
governments plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant
during the first five years of her marriage may request the service
of a "Proxy Father" a government employee who attempts to solve the
woman's problem by getting her pregnant.

The Smiths, a young married couple have no children and the government
man is due to arrive. Mr. Smith on leaving, says "I'm off, the
Government man should be here soon". INSTEAD, however a door-to-door
photographer who specialises in baby pictures rings the bell.

THE CONVERSATION WENT AS FOLLOWS:


Ms.Smith: Good morning.


Salesman: Good morning, you don't know me but I've come to...

Ms.Smith: Oh, you don't have to explain. My husband told me you were coming.

Salesman: Oh? Well good. I've made a specialty of babies,especially twins.

Ms.Smith: That's what my husband said. Please sit down.

Salesman: Then your husband probably told you that...

Ms.Smith: Oh yes, we both agreed this is the best thing to do.

Salesman: Well, in that case perhaps we should get right on with it.

Ms.Smith: (blushing) Well, just where do we start?

Salesman: Just leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch, and perhaps a couple in the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor works well.

Ms.Smith: Bathroom!!! Living room floor!!! No wonder it hasn't worked
for us.

Salesman: Well lady, none of us can guarantee a good one every time,
but if we try six or seven times one of 'em is bound to be a honey.

Ms.Smith: Pardon me, but isn't this a bit informal?

Salesman: No indeed, in my line a man can't do his work in a hurry.

Ms.Smith: Well have you had much success with this?

Salesman: (opening case and showing baby pictures) Just look at these
babies! They're all jobs I've handled. This one took four hours.

Ms.Smith: Yes, this is a lovely child.

Salesman: But if you want to hear about a really tough assignment, look at
this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown
London.

Ms.Smith: OH MY GOD!!!

Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned
out exceptionally well when you consider that their mother was hard to work
with.

Ms.Smith: Oh, she was?

Salesman: Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to
get the job done right. People were all around four and five deep pushing to
get a good look.

Ms.Smith: Four and five deep!!!

Salesman: Yes, and for more than three hours too. But I finally got a
couple of buddies to keep them back. I could've shot again
before dark, but by that time the squirrels were beginning to
nibble on my equipment and I had to give up.

Ms.Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your ahhh - equipment?

Salesman: Yes, but it's all in a days work. I've spent three long
years perfecting my technique. Take this baby. I shot this one
in the front window of a big department store.

Ms.Smith: I can't believe it!

Salesman: Well, madam, if your ready, I'll get my tripod.

Ms.Smith: TRIPOD???!!!

Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's
much too heavy to hold in my hand. Ms.Smith... Ms.Smith...
Ms.Smith... Goodness, she fainted!!!

[STUIE]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

[MISTER WOO]

That baby one is a classic Stuie,you really have the art of telling 'em:)

[pinkcat]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
> > >
> > > Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with
> > > fear."
> > >
> > > Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me"
> > >
> > > Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet
> > > sh*ts
> > > itself"
> > >

[pinkcat]

>A letter was left on the dining room table:
>>
>> My Dear Wife:
>> You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your
>> 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I
>> value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that
>> you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
>> spending the evening with my
>> 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't
>> be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.
>>
>> When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room
>> table:
>>
>> My Dear Husband,
>> I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would
>> like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years
>> old.
>> At the same time I would like to inform you that while you
>> read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach
>> who,
>> like your
>> secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman
>> and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are
>> in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes
>> into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not
>> be back before lunchtime tomorrow.
>>
>> hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>

[lozzy]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
> > >
> > > Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with
> > > fear."
> > >
> > > Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me"
> > >
> > > Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet
> > > sh*ts
> > > itself"
> > >
BAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

i love it.

[STUIE]

The difference between yesterday and tomorro:

http://binodc.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2006/02/birdflu1.jpg

[STUIE]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"F*ck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

[GoTheHiggsta]

The difference between yesterday and tomorro:

http://binodc.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2006/02/birdflu1.jpg

Nice cartoon Stu, and so true... the power of the Chemist..:rolleyes:

[STUIE]

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

[da_lozmeister]

HA! that's why u don't mess with doctors!

[pinkcat]

>>> >
>>> >A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in
>>> >her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private
>>> >area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when
>>> >she touched her.
>>> >
>>> >They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They
>>> >went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy
>>> >as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her
>>> >out of the coma."
>>> >
>>> >The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
>>> >curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his
>>> >wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no
>>> >pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What
>>> >happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure- I think maybe
>>> >she choked."
>>> >
>
>>
>>

[lozzy]

Lmfao!

[pinkcat]

> >Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I
>real
>sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
> >
> >The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I
>feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes
>everything better and I go work. You try that."
> >
> >Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I
>feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."
> >

[STUIE]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[pinkcat]

love it stuie

[STUIE]

glad I could entertain you pinkcat :) Here's another:


A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"

"PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[STUIE]

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and
when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!



I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

[STUIE]

Q: What do the gynaecologist and the pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it!

[STUIE]

Q: How many sickos does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.

[STUIE]

Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Pringle ?
A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.

[STUIE]

What do women and condoms have in common?

If they're not on your dick they are in your wallet

[Shenelle]

Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Pringle ?
A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.

ummmm.. shouldnt that be a gay guy and a pringle???

[pinkcat]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped

>>>him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,

>>>nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a

>>>large plate glass window.

>>>

>>>For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still

>>>shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.

>>>

>>>The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't

>>>realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

>>>

>>>The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is

>>>my first day driving a cab - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25

>>>years.

>>>

[STUIE]

repost

[Shenelle]

AND STUPID ME READ IT AGAIN.... errrrrr

[STUIE]

AND STUPID ME READ IT AGAIN.... errrrrr

Was it still funny the second time?

[da_lozmeister]

There have been a lot of reposts in here...ppl need to start keeping track...cos most of the jokes aren't funny the second time

[STUIE]

One day Fred and Pete are out duck hunting with Fred's new dog "Riley". Fred tells his buddy that Riley is the most amazing dog he has ever seen when it comes to hunting ducks.

"How so?" asks Pete.

"Well, I look at Riley and I say "Riley, go get 'em" and he hauls off into the marsh, then comes back and tells me how many ducks are out there by the number of times that he barks at me."

"Bullshit!"

"Okay, watch!" Fred tells Riley to "go get 'em" and about 10 minutes latter, Riley comes back and barks 6 times. Just about that time 6 ducks fly out from the marsh.

Fred tells Riley to "go get 'em" again and he comes back a while later and barks 4 times. 4 Ducks fly out from the marsh.

Pete says – "Holy shit! This dog is unbelievable. Can I buy him from you, name your price!"

"I don’t know Pete, I kinda like the dog, I don't think I can sell him."

"How 'bout $5,000?"

"SOLD!"

A few weeks go by and Fred runs into Pete down at the local feed store.

"How's my dog been treatin’ you?" says Fred.

"Aw, I had to shoot that damn dog 2 days ago."

"WHAT! Why did you shoot the dog?"

"Well, I took him out last weekend to the marsh for duck hunting and sent him off to the marsh just like you would and he was gone for almost an hour. He came back a runnin' as fast as he could out of the marsh with a stick in his mouth, went up to my leg and started humpin' me like I was the prom queen or somethin' and shakin' that stick all about. I thought he had rabbies or somethin', so I shot him."

"You dumb ass, he was tryin' to tell you that there were more fucking ducks than you can shake a stick at!"

[Casey Q]

Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?

Can a person choke and die on a life savor?

What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?

Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?

When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?

If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?

Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?

[pinkcat]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[STUIE]

See post number 535 mate :p

I beat ya to it

[STUIE]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman began to laugh about the situation

considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

[STUIE]

A newly married couple are honeymooning in India. As they're walking through a bazaar they see a sign that reads: "Magic sandals. Guaranteed to improve your sex life."

The couple walk into the shop and are greeted by the shopkeeper. "These magic sandals," he tells the wife, "will increase your husband's sex drive and make him an accomplished lover." The wife tells the shopkeeper that her husband wears a size 10, and that he'd like to try them on.

So the husband sits down, puts on the sandals and gets a gleam in his eye that his wife has never seen before. The husband rips his pants off, bends the shopkeeper over the counter and goes to town.

Frantically the shopkeeper screams, "The sandals! You've got them on the wrong feet!"

[STUIE]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[pinkcat]

>

>A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the

>wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the

>biggest house adjacent to the course.

>

>The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up

>there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive

>is going to cost us."

>

>So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice

>said, "Come on in."

>

>When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: gla ss was all

>over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the

>broken window.

>

>A large black man reclining on the

>couch asked, "Are you the people that

>broke my window?"

>

>Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

>

>"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a

>genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now

>that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you

>each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

>

>Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted

>out, I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

>

>No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And

>I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do

>you want?" the genie asked. I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with

>servants in every country in the

>world," she said.

>

>Consider it done, "the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe

>from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

>

>And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?" Well,

>since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in

>more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your

>wife!"

>

>The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now

>have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

>

>She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

>Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about

>you, honey?"

>

>"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for

>you!"

>

>So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the

>afternoon enjoying each other.

>The genie was insatiable.

>

>After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked

>directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

>

>Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

>

>No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe

>in genies?"

[GoTheHiggsta]

Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most
riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you
know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably out fishing with his mates!! :D

[STUIE]

Need to describe your ass or someone else's over the Internet but want it to be visual? Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) A regular ass

(__!__) A fat ass

(__)(__) A "wide load" ass

(!) A tight ass

(_*_) A sore ass

{_!_} A swishy ass

(_o_) An ass that's been around

(_x_) Kiss my ass

(_X_) Leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) A tired ass

(_E=mc2_) A smart ass

(_?_) Dumb ass

(_Lame_) Lame ass

(_jack_) Jackass

(_-$_) Cheap ass

(_0_) A Prison ass

(_) Half ass

(®^®) Registered ass

(__|___) Lop sided ass

(_:_) 2 holed ass

(_O_) Cavernous ass (an ass that's REALLY been around)

(Mom)(__) Tattooed ass

(_)||(_) Fucked ass

()() Ass print on a window

( * * ) Ass with dimples

(_X X_) A kicked ass

(_%_) An average ass

(_$_) A rich ass

[_!_] A hard ass

[STUIE]

Why bicycles are better than Women...

Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

[pinkcat]

Last night, my blond friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us,
my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill,
and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately,
she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!
Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?
The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card,
swiped it down the crack of his butt,
Grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!

[MISTER WOO]

Well done to stuie ans pink cat,those are bloody funny:) nice one:)

[pinkcat]

A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from Canada.
She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks
"Excuse me father, may I ask a favour of you?"
"Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies.

"Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly
sophisticated electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money for it.
I really went well over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they
will confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs
for me under your robes?"

"I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am
not ever able to lie..."
"You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any
questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair remover.

After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the
father's turn in line.
"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Custom's officer.
"From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son."
Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to ask,
"And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?"

The father replies, "I have a marvellous little instrument destined to be
used on a woman, but which has never yet been used..."

Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says,
"Go right through father. Next!"

[STUIE]

i like that one pink :)

[STUIE]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[Casey Q]

i musn't have been drunk on saturday night then cause i managed to say no to that second sambucca shot!!!

[STUIE]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10! o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

[da_lozmeister]

ha nice!

[lozzy]

i've heard a similar one.
it was the same idea only it involved a kid at primary school and his teacher and they were betting on the colour of her pubic hair.

[STUIE]

Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, "I had the worst Freudian slip the other day."

The other man responds, "What the hell is a Freudian slip?" "You know," says the first man. "It's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about.

Like the other day I was at the airport, and this really sexy lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I asked her for 'two pickets to Tittsburgh." The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the orange juice, but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch! You ruined my life!'"

[motey]

HAHHA crackers! :)

[STUIE]

Girl #1: My friend thinks she's still a virgin because she's only had anal sex.
Girl #2: How do you know this girl?
Girl #1: She goes to my church.

[pinkcat]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
> it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
> almost went unnoticed last week.
>
> Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at

> the age of 93.
>
>
>The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
>They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
>
>

[MISTER WOO]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
> it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
> almost went unnoticed last week.
>
> Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at

> the age of 93.
>
>
>The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
>They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
>
>

Very amusing pinkcat,ur a wat,bt i think u meant 'the hokey cokey'

[pinkcat]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," she observed.

To the first mother, Mary, she said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

She turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

Then to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[MISTER WOO]

Aww u have a witt pink cat,good one bud:) :)

[motey]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
> it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
> almost went unnoticed last week.
>
> Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at

> the age of 93.
>
>
>The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
>They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
>
>


Creator of 'The Hokey Pokey' dies

(CNN) -- Every child in America, and almost every adult, knows the Hokey Pokey. You just put your right foot in and put your right foot out to perform one of the best-known circle dances in American history.

Its popularity belies its age, and conceals its author. The man who wrote the song, Larry LaPrise, died last week at 83 in Boise, Idaho.

He wrote the tune for the Sun Valley, Idaho, ski crowd in the late 1940s, but it took a recording by big band leader Ray Anthony to make the Hokey Pokey a nationwide phenomenon. (It appeared on the B side of the "Bunny Hop" single.)

LaPrise didn't receive royalties for the song until the 1960s, when its rights were purchased by country star Roy Acuff's publishing company.

In recent years, LaPrise worked in the post office in Ketchum, Idaho. Children often wrote him notes addressed to "The Hokey Pokey Man."


OOppS! :P he lived another 10 years :S?!:p

[STUIE]

Two elderly women are in the waiting room at the vet with their dogs. The first old woman says to the second "This is my dog jacko. He's a silky terrier and I've bought him here today because he's just so randy. He humps everything i sight so he has to be neutered."

The second old woman says "this is my dog rocky. He's a saint bernard an he's the same. Every morning when I bend over to pick up the paper off of the porch he jumps up and pounds me from behind. So I'm getting his nails clipped."

[STUIE]

Why are hurracanes usually named after women?
Because when they come they are wild and wet but when they go they take your house and car.

[STUIE]

Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?

A: To stop anyone that comes to his or her senses from going home

[STUIE]

here's one for you cheyne....

What has 54 legs and can't climb a ladder?


Sydney Swans

[Casey Q]

Thanks a lot Stuie!!! i will have to hear about someone bagging the swans out from cheyne for days now!!! you know that boy loves his team!!!

[STUIE]

Thanks a lot Stuie!!! i will have to hear about someone bagging the swans out from cheyne for days now!!! you know that boy loves his team!!!

tuff tits

[Cheyne]

here's one for you cheyne....

What has 54 legs and can't climb a ladder?


Sydney Swans

They did a pretty damn good job of it last year ;).

[Cheyne]

Thanks a lot Stuie!!! i will have to hear about someone bagging the swans out from cheyne for days now!!! you know that boy loves his team!!!

Its all good darl... This is the time when the swans really show their colors. When they're up against adversity they always pull through, and this season will be no different :).

[pinkcat]

Two blondes are walking down the street when they find a makeup compact on the ground....One opens it up,looks insideand says"Hey! come look at this,the person inside looks familiar."

The other one snatches it off her,looks inside and say ''Ofcourse,you idiot,thats me!"

[STUIE]

This is a (alleged) true story of the communications between hotel staff and a guest. I found it quite funny



Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the three hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The six bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

This leaves only the three bars I left today, as my instructions from the management are to leave three soaps daily.

I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy
Relief Maid

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added three little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.

Please remove them.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left three hotel soaps which we are instructed to do by the management. I took the six soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the three complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.

Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.

I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another three bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of three bars on the bath-room shelf.

In just five days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps.

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave three bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here?!

All I want is my bath size Dial.

Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them.

The 24 Camays which had been taken and the three Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.

Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the three daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item: I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

[da_lozmeister]

I'm sure that's been posted before. meh

Fun with telemarketers

What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:

Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.

Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!! AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a

cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....

Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food.......

Supervisor: Mr. Salem?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)

Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.........

AT&T: (click)

Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ..... Click............

Or My Other Favorite... Are you single? Click............

[STUIE]

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms. The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."

[STUIE]

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol shark came up to me while I was swimmin and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

The bartender then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

The pirate said "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "First day with the hook.

[STUIE]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

[pinkcat]

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING FACTS:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[STUIE]

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!

[STUIE]

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it

[Shenelle]

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!

thats so great! I love it!

[STUIE]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[STUIE]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job". She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[STUIE]

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell 'naughty' stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. 'They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.' The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. 'Young ladies,' said the professor with a broad smile, 'what's the rush girls? The next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon.'

[STUIE]

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

[pinkcat]

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress and
two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table, turned to
look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie.

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her
arse.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew
out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind
Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."

[STUIE]

Three female friends are sitting around one day talking about their boyfriends. They discover that their names are all Leroy. They decide to name them all after soda pops so they’ll know who they’re talking about. The first girl decides to name hers 7-up. “Because he’s 7 inches and is always up.” Second girl says “I’m going to call mine Mountain Dew. Because every time I mount him he can always do me.” Third girl says “I’m going to call mine Jack Daniels.” The other girls say that’s not a soda pop, that’s a hard liquor. She says: “That’s my Leroy.”

[STUIE]

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Joey. When she found Joey she told him what was happeing, but he didn't quite understand so she showed him what her problem was. Joey's face got very serious and he said, "You know, I'm no doctor, but it looks like someone ripped your balls off!"

[STUIE]

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress and the husband noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. 'Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him.' This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. 'Now, tell HIM you have a headache.'

[STUIE]

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde lady wave at him and say "hello". He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."

Now he thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful to his wife and says "My god, are the stripper from my bachelor party that I fucked on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my back with a wet celery stick and then stuck a carrot up my arse?". She says "No, I'm your daughter's english teacher."

[STUIE]

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush.You have AIDS". Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" "Eat 1 sausage,1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1 huge box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for."

[STUIE]

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

[STUIE]

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I definately don't think you should spank him."

[STUIE]

oldie but a goodie:

What's the difference between a priest and pimples?

Pimples come on a boy's face after he reaches puberty

[STUIE]

A little girl is in sunday school and she falls asleep. When she is sleeping the teacher asks "Who created heaven and earth?". No one answer and a little boy behind the girl pulls out a pin and pokes her in the bum. She wakes up and yells "My God!", the teach says it is correct. The little girl falls asleep again when the teacher asks "Who gave his life for our sins?". No one answers and the boy behind the girl pulls out his pin again and pokes her in the bum. She wakes up and screams "Jesus Christ." The teacher says it is correct. The little girl falls asleep again when the teach asks "After Eve bore her 20th child, what did she say to Adam?". No one answers and the boy pulls out his pin again and pokes her in the bum. She wakes up and yells "Listen here you prick, if you stick that thing in me one more time, I will break it off and shove it up your fucking arse!"

[Shenelle]

thanks stoo - more jokes please :)

[lozzy]

i dunno if this has been posted and i can't be stuffed to go through 61 pages.

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

[lozzy]

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.

The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

[cecilia]

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.

The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
i saw this in a short film once.

[perth-gurl]

This isn't Exactly a joke but I went to the toilet at work today and there was a poster thing on the back of the door. It was a picture of a snoopy looking cartoon dog with this written underneath,

Never hold your farts in, they travel up your spine and into your brain and that is where shitty ideas come from.

Well it amused me anyway!

[STUIE]

Phil tell his mates at the pub "I've decided to divorce my wife"

They all say "why Phil whats wrong?"

Phil says "she's absolutly disgusting. This morning I went to piss in the sink and it was full of dirty dishes!"

[Shenelle]

nice ones guys! thanks for providing me with some entertainment!

[STUIE]

Did you hear about the new bra they have for middle aged women?

It's called sheep dog - it rounds them up and points them in the right direction

[Shenelle]

pmsl - so sad...

[STUIE]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, it was only a short letter and he wrote it by hand."

[STUIE]

what's the difference between light and hard?

I can sleep with a light on

[STUIE]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love sucking the chocolate off of them."

[STUIE]

What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?

He keeps coming, and coming, and coming..........

[STUIE]

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.

[STUIE]

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of
a blowjob!"

[STUIE]

Why are model trains and tits alike?
Because they are both designed for children but it's men who end up playing with them

[STUIE]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.:

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

[STUIE]

A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go whoring. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made. "$398.10," she said. "Who paid ten cents?" he asked.
"Everybody."

[STUIE]

A small guy enters an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down at him. "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." Hearing this, the small guy faints! The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. "What's wrong?" "Excuse me, but what did you say?" "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." "Thank God. I thought you said, 'turn around.'" :

[pinkcat]

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek
Islands.

He walks into a bar and Karen (the Australian Barmaid)
takes his order,
a Fosters, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each
other.

At the end of Karen's shift he asks her if she wants
to come back to
his
place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted
to him she says
no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.

Karen is travelling the world and because she is short
of funds she
agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters
and after showing
her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks
if she will sleep
with him again for $200. Karen remembers the night
before and is only
too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy
comes in, orders
Fosters and sits in the corner. Karen thinks that if
she pays him some
more attention then maybe she can then shake some more
cash out of him
again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells
her:
"Melbourne".
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he
replies "That's
amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?" "Cameo
Street" he
replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says," What number?" He
says "Number 20"
and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to
believe this but
I'm from Number 22! My Parents still live there!" "I
know..." he says,
"Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!

[STUIE]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and tentatively approaches the pharmacist. The pharmacist, seeing her hesitancy, asks if there is anything that he can do for her. She asks him in a quiet voice, "Do you carry extra large condoms?" He points to where they are and asks if she wants to purchase a box. She says, "No, but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"

[Miss Fishy]

haha thanks stuie...

[GoTheHiggsta]

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.

Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.

The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.
France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.
Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.
Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.
Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.
Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.:D