Add a joke thread

[STUIE]

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been pissing in the refrigerator!''

[STUIE]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

[cecilia]

that was lame. lol

[STUIE]

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION...

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I
said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only suks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El
Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there,
too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the NRL, AFL,
ARU, PGA and ACB. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold
his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.

[Peter Pan]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colours green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eyelid, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Pirate B]

sorry if this offends you i really am but its too funny

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
Bar tender asks "Wow, where did you get that?"

The Parrot replies "Africa, there's fucking millions of them"

:eek:

[Peter Pan]

sorry if this offends you i really am but its too funny

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
Bar tender asks "Wow, where did you get that?"

The Parrot replies "Africa, there's fucking millions of them"

:eek:
I dont find parrot jokes at all offensive lol

[Pirate B]

I dont find parrot jokes at all offensive lol
Bwahahahahahahha best joke of all!!!

[STUIE]

A young boy comes downstairs and sits next to his father watching TV on the couch.
The father notices the boy has a huge grin on his face. He asks, "Son, whats with the huge smile?"
The boy says, "Well, Dad. Last night I experienced my first blowjob!"
"That's great!" says the father, "Tell me all about it!"
So the boy starts telling him,"Ok, so there I was. I was on my knees, and I had this huge dick in my mouth..."

[teknocrat]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

[STUIE]

Why does the Virginia tech basketball team suck?

They lost their best shooter.

(i'll post whatever jokes i like!)

[STUIE]

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dock into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust." "Shit, that sounds terrible", Ed said. "What business were you in?" "I sell good luck charms," said Ted.

[leavemewith-a-scar]

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at
home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to
discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[willowfred]

Hahahaha.. Classic.
WOMAN POWER!

[STUIE]

Little Timmy comes home from school crying and his father asks him "What's wrong Tim?
Tim says "There's this kid at school, he keeps calling me a poofter."
His father replies "Well next time he calls you a foggot, punch him in the face son!"
To which Timmy replies "I couldn't do that dad, he's far too gorgeous!"

[Mandy]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous Challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of The Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,

"Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,


"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[Peter Pan]

I thought I had a good joke but its already been posted.......duh

[leavemewith-a-scar]

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his Mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. "Of course", he said.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Leroy.

Leroy knew that it was not true. He had not been a good boy this year, so he tore it up and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would like a bike for my birthday. Leroy. Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote a third letter.

Letter 3
Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Leroy.

Leroy knew that it was not true. By now he was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother that he needed to go to church. She thought her plan had worked.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. He went to the altar. Leroy looked around to see if anyone was looking as he bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it up under his shirt, ran out of the church and ran back home. He ran to his room and shut the door. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

Letter 4
Dear God,

I got your mama.
If you want to see her again, send the bike.

Signed, You know who.

[MISTER WOO]

This is a crime story. Five friends lived in a room,
Namely *MAD, BRAIN, FOOL, NOBODY, SOMEBODY*.
One day SOMEBODY killed NOBODY. At that time BRAIN was in bathroom,
MAD called police.
MAD: Is it police station???
Police: Yes, what is the matter??
MAD: SOMEBODY killed NOBODY.
Police: Are you mad?
MAD: Yes, I"m MAD.
Police: Don`t you have BRAIN.
MAD: BRAIN is in bathroom....
Police: you FOOL...
MAD: No, FOOL is reading this joke.. . !
* **GOT YOU...!*

D

[Missy_me]

I just love the jokes.. so funny... can't help.. i can't stop laughing..

[STUIE]

What does a fur trapper have in common with a necrophiliac ?
They're both looking for dead beaver!

[Peter Pan]

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian

"Excuse me miss day ye hav any books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Fauk off, ye'll no bring it back!"

[luise]

Mary went to Charlie´s house to see if she could chat with a woman there...

-hey Charlie...is your mum there?
-Nope, but what is it?
-Nothing... is your sister there?
-No, but tell me, what is it?
-Its a women´s issue... is your grandma there?
-No!, but you can tell me, I´m an expert on women
-Are you serious??
-Sure, tell me then.

Mary lifted up her skirt and Charly said:

Did you choped off your balls?!?!

[Peter Pan]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello and Kevin Rudd. They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving , on average?"

"About a litre."

[Peter Pan]

Another one about politics.

John Howard and Kevin Rudd somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by different barbers, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kevin in his chair, reached for the aftershave.
Rudd was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a brothel"

The second barber turned to John Howard and said, "How about you Mr Howard?"
John replied, "Go ahead, Jeanette doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

[Peter Pan]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner

"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth." says the dwarf,"Can I see her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.....can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth." he says "Now....can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says "Perhaps I should weefwaze that.....Can I see her wun awound?"

[Peter Pan]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says , "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay boys. He's one of us."

[STUIE]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[STUIE]

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors! and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch...you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day :)

[STUIE]

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex tonight.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. A kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to piss in this parking lot or on the road side.
10. Don't do it! Setting off the fire alarm isn't funny!
11. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

[leavemewith-a-scar]

Just got this in an email, thought it was pretty amusing:

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.



Darwin Award Winners:



1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....



And now, the honourable mentions:



2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.



3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.



4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.



5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.



6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)



7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.



8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."



9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.



A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!



10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.



In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

[STUIE]

A university philosophy professor, who was known to be a bit of an eccentric, decided to have only one question on his final exam. The professor picked up his chair and set it down on top of his desk, and asked the class to write an essay proving that the chair did not exist.

After a few moments, one student stood up and handed in his essay.

The answer read, "What chair?"

[leavemewith-a-scar]

Haha!

Along the same lines...

A university professor assigned a class a final exam on courage. The sole question on the exam was to answer "What is courage?" One student returned the exam with only two words written: "This is." He received an A.

[STUIE]

Yeah that same student got an A for his english exam too. He was asked to describe the difference between apathy and indifference. He answered "I don't know and I don't care"

[Peter Pan]

How to clean the house using your computer

1 Open a new file in your PC
2 Name it "Housework"
3 Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4 Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5 Your PC will ask you "Are you sure you want to delete housework permanently?"
6 Answer calmly, "Yes", and press the mouse button firmly.......
7 All done, feel better?

[STUIE]

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

[leavemewith-a-scar]

FEMALE COMEBACKS!

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

[hanjan]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like sh*t."

[STUIE]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[STUIE]

Late one night little Billy walks into his parents bedroom and catches
them having sex. Shocked, he screams for his father to stop. His father
just laughs at Billy, throws a pillow at him and says "Get out!".
A few nights later Billy's dad hears a huge comotion comming from Billy's
room. He rushes in only to be horrified to find Billy having sex with his
Grandma. Billy's dad yells "Stop that Billy!" to which Billy replies
"See - not so fucking funny when it's your mum is it???"

[STUIE]

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage. The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!!?"

[leavemewith-a-scar]

Perhaps not a joke, but funny all the same:

>There are approximately two billion children in the world. This is considering all persons under 18 a child. However, because Mr. Clause does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist religions, along with countless other minor religions, his workload for Christmas Eve is reduced to about 15% of the total. According to the Population Reference Bureau, this will account for 378 million children worldwide. At an average census rate of 3.5 children per household, that works out to be 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one nice child in each.
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>Thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, Santa has about 31 hours of nighttime Christmas to work with (assuming that he logically travels from east to west). 108 million homes in 31 hours works out to 967.7 visits per second. In other words, for each Christian household Santa visits, he has 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the rest of the presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks that have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh, and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of the 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of these calculations), we are now looking at a trip of .78 miles per household; a total of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops and breaks. This means that the big man’s sleigh has to be moving at about 650 miles per second or 3,000 times the speed of sound. For the purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run, at best, 50 miles per hour.
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>The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a two-pound medium-sized Lego set, the sleigh is carrying 378,000 tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the flying species could pull ten times the normal amount, the job could not be done with eight or even nine of them. Santa would need 360,000 animals weighing about 500 pounds each. This increases the payload another 90,000 tons, which is just slightly more than the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). Also, to accommodate the volume and weight of the presents, Santa’s sleigh would have to be about 26.25 million cubic feet in size and weigh an additional 130,000 tons. Basically, between the presents, the reindeer, and the sleigh itself, the Santa Clause system is a 600,000 ton flying ark.
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>Now, 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second generates enormous air resistance which would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering Earth’s atmosphere. Each of the lead set of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. Quite simply, they would burst into flames instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating unimaginable, deafening sonic booms in their wake (bye-bye Rudolph). The entire Reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
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>None of that matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mps in a thousandth of a second, would be subjected to forces in excess of 17,500 g’s. Even a 250 pound Santa (which seems uncharacteristically slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by over 4.3 million pounds of force, instantly crushing all of his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
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>Therefore, if Santa Clause did exist, he’s dead now. Merry Christmas.

[Perfume]

Hey!
I don't know if this one's been posted but I cannot be bothered going through 80 pages!!!

What do you call a Russian man with three testicles?

Hooja Knikabollokoff.