Add a joke thread

[JOLENE]

You most probably have seen them via emails, but anyways ..



By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was
taken. He
finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.

"You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed
- I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the
cost. But to
tell
you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy
tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better." Dave replied.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,
then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave
explained " I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[JOLENE]

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:



I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."

Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas.

When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on he5r luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the

agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a m5ap of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[Wiccanhp]

A blonde and a burnette are walking in the fields.
At some point the burnette says to the blonde:
Look at that dead bird!
The blonde looks up in the sky and says:
Where?

[talz0r]

A man walked into a bar and said "Ouch!"

[Miss Fishy]

One day a woman decided she didnt want to work, so upon arriving at her job, she hung upside down from the ceiling.

"What are you doing?' Asked the blonde secretary, to which the woman replied:
"I'm pretending to be a lightbulb so the boss thinks i am crazy and will send me home". The secretary stared puzzled for a while, then continued working.

When the boss arrived, He asked the woman what she was doing. "I'm a lightbulb" She proclaimed. He told her to gome home and rest. As the woman walked out, the secretary stood up also and proceeded to follow. "Where are you going?" asked the boss.

"I cant work in the dark" The blonde exclaimed.

[graceonthebass]

Top ten signs that you are too drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your boyfriend/girlfriend unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

[Hinny]

http://www.davidstuff.com/opinion/los-mjackson.jpg

[Miss Fishy]

Its scaring me. O.O

[Chrissie]

http://www.davidstuff.com/opinion/los-mjackson.jpg

lolol.

[Falling]

Top ten signs that you are too drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your boyfriend/girlfriend unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

Hahaahaha this is ace........i can put my hand up to a fair few of these on a good night!!! I usually lose my glasses and the whole night is stuffed!!!!

[lozzy]

Top ten signs that you are too drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your boyfriend/girlfriend unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
looks like i was too drunk last night.

[Choppy]

A blonde walked into a library and said "can i please have a hamburger" the librarian replied "this is a library!?!?" with a puzzled look on her face. The blonde replied in a wisper "oh sorry, can i please have a hamburger"

Hmm im not sure if it makes sesce when you read it but its funnt when you hear it.

[bri]

why did Tigger have dirty hands?---------------Coz he'd been touching pooh

[MISTER WOO]

What do you call a case for keeping you contact lenses in?

A:An i-pod:D

[what]

why did my uncle cross the road?
cos his willy was stuck in the chicken.

[Seven]

why did Tigger have dirty hands?---------------Coz he'd been touching pooh

hahahahha :D

[jadeox]

wats red and looks like a bucket? a red bucket..haha go me

[Seven]

wats red and looks like a bucket? a red bucket..haha go me



yiahhh thats hot!!! ok beat this:


whats a missy fan , from melbourne and a girl???



.................a jadeox



:D

[jadeox]

yiahhh thats hot!!! ok beat this:


whats a missy fan , from melbourne and a girl???



.................a jadeox



:D
haha yay!

[da_lozmeister]

wats red and looks like a bucket? a red bucket..haha go me


HAHAHAHAHAHA LOVE IT!

[Shenelle]

What looks like a bucket and is red? a red bucket?? NOOOOO! Its a BLUE bucket painted red!

Hey - thanks for this thread! Ive been kept occupied for an hour at work now! Thanks guys! Keep it up!

I love the Pooh and Tigger one!

[missy_rulez]

Why did the boy fall off the swing....?

Someone threw a fridge at him,

woohoo yea gets worse everytime i read it...

[jadeox]

Speaking of fridges...why did little johnny climb the hill?? because he had a fridge on his back AHH HA HA HA get it?..i dont :(

[Wiccanhp]

Been caught stealin'

I tried to steal 1000 points from kerrysan last night. :rolleyes:

[da_lozmeister]

lets keep this fridge thing going

y did the koala fall out of the tree?
cos he died
y did the second koala fall out of the tree?
he was stapled to the first one
y did the third koala fall out of the tree?
peer pressure
y did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
someone threw a fridge at it
y did the kangaroo die?
cos 4 native koalas and a fridge fell on him

yeah it funnier when u say it...especially when i say it cs i can't say it without pissing myself laughing

[jadeox]

lets keep this fridge thing going

y did the koala fall out of the tree?
cos he died
y did the second koala fall out of the tree?
he was stapled to the first one
y did the third koala fall out of the tree?
peer pressure
y did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
someone threw a fridge at it
y did the kangaroo die?
cos 4 native koalas and a fridge fell on him

yeah it funnier when u say it...especially when i say it cs i can't say it without pissing myself laughing

hahaha i love it!

[MISTER WOO]

He,i'm a little lost,what's this fridge thing?

[jadeox]

He,i'm a little lost,what's this fridge thing?
fridges are hot :D

[lozzy]

fridges are hot :D
you and swede would make the perfect couple.

[what]

Hahaha

[Chrissie]

lets keep this fridge thing going

y did the koala fall out of the tree?
cos he died
y did the second koala fall out of the tree?
he was stapled to the first one
y did the third koala fall out of the tree?
peer pressure
y did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
someone threw a fridge at it
y did the kangaroo die?
cos 4 native koalas and a fridge fell on him

yeah it funnier when u say it...especially when i say it cs i can't say it without pissing myself laughing

hahahah

[da_lozmeister]

YES! I'm glad you all like that one....everyone i tell it to here jst looks at me weird. They don't get it...well...my obbsession with fridge jokes at least. I'll post more when I think of em

[da_lozmeister]

Alright....starting a HUGE post with a tonne of jokes (yeah I'm bored and they r flying around the classroom right now)

Here we go:

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting."thirteen thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from the mental hospital wards. The mans curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence.Its not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. instantly ,someone jabs him in the eye.As he reels back in agony,the chanting continues "fourteen fourteen fourteen!"


A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker was doing here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Delivering pizza."

(I want THAT job!)


An elderly couple is visiting another couples' house for dinner.
After dinner, the women retire to the kitchen to prepare the dessert. The men stay at the table chatting.
The visitor says, "We were at a brilliant resturaunt yesterday, I really recommend it."
"Oh really," the other says, "what is it called?"
The visitor pauses for a while, and then says, "What is the flower that you give to someone to tell them that you love them?...It's got thorns on it."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it." Then turns to the kitchen and shouts, "Rose, what is the name of the resturaunt we went to yesterday?"


Argh ok bored now....better actually do some work...

[JOLENE]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of
Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same
ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale,
"Let's both swim under the ship and blowout our air holes at the same
time and it should cause the ship to turnover and sink."They tried it and
sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore.The male whale
was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim
after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."At this point, he
realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said,
"I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

[JOLENE]

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees
it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be
thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests,
you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.

"What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules." says
the bartender. So the man gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it
into the jar. "OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila the whole
thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, - There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You
have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, - There's a
90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during
intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila,
and then do those other things...."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As
time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it
with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't
make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is
chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy,
scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping,
and then............silence. Just when they think the man surely must be
dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large
bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?

[da_lozmeister]

I was going to post that one but I thought better of it....its just wrong!!!

Very much like the whale one though

[JOLENE]

yea i have a few others, but they are even worse so stopped myself posting them!

[Shenelle]

Thanks for those! Ive shared them with my colleagues at work! Helps pass time! I demand more jokes please people! :)

[maiizhigh]

as you wish :p

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and
productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all
employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity
Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than
anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in
Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who
fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee
Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do
not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T
already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training
others. We can add your name to our Basic
Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of
B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for
promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of
Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,


Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

[Shenelle]

Ohhh i love it!!! MORE PLEASE!

[missy_rulez]

as you wish :p

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and
productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all
employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity
Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than
anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in
Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who
fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee
Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do
not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T
already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training
others. We can add your name to our Basic
Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of
B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for
promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of
Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,


Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

hahaha i love it

[da_lozmeister]

thats soooo sweet! :D

[JOLENE]

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Hi

stranger, my name is Mike. I'll give you a free beer if you can guess the

name of this bar in three tries." The man says, "Thanks...Mike's Place?"

"Nope."

"Mike's Tavern?" "No,"

"Mike's Pub?"

"No, but here's a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get's it. The joint's name

is Sally's Leggs! "That's a good one." the man says and proceeds to get

royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop

pulls up and ask's him what he is doing there. He responds, "I'm just

waiting for Sally's Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!"

[JOLENE]

Marvin was lying in bed in hospital with
an oxygen mask on. A
> > > > young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge
his face and hands.
> > > > Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask,
"are my testicles
> > > > black?"
> > > >
> > > > Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I
don't know, I'm only
> > > > here to wash your face and hands"
> > > >
> > > > He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my
testicles black?"
> > > > Again the nurse replies, "I don't know.
I'm only here to wash
> > > > your face and hands."
> > > >
> > > > The ward nurse was passing and saw Marvin
getting a little
> > > > distraught so she marched over to inquire
what was wrong.
> > > > "All I want to know," he mumbled, "are my
testicles black?"
> > > >
> > > > Being a nurse of long-standing, the
sister was undaunted. She
> > > > whipped back the bed-clothes, pulled down
his pajamas,
> > > > moved his penis out of the way, had a
right good look, pulled
> > > > up the pajamas, replaced the bed-clothes
and announced,
> > > > There is nothing wrong with them!!!"
> > > >
> > > > At this Marvin pulled off his oxygen mask
and yelled, "ARE MY
> > > > TEST RESULTS BACK???"

[JOLENE]

Two sperm are swimming along and the one is starting to get tired. He asks

his buddy, "how far do you think is it to the uterus? I'm getting pretty

tired!"

His buddy says, "I'm not sure but I think it is a long way; we just passed

the esophagus!"

[JOLENE]

How much weight do we lose during sex? The diet literature explains

calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar

information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.

Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time

and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time

was right for a new type of sex manual.

EXAMPLES:

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.

25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese &

mushrooms.

53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french

fries.

53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the

trimmings.

PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the

lights: 42 (calories burned)

ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3 Decanting the

wine: 4 Without a corkscrew: 268

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: 15 If you are anxious: 43 If you

beg: 100

SEDUCING THE PARTNER If you are rich (cash): 5 If you are rich (credit

card): 15 If you are poor: 200

INITIAL BODY CONTACT Fumbling: 4 Casually rummaging around: 7 Seriously

rummaging around: 42

REMOVING CLOTHES With partner's consent: 12 Without partner's consent: 187

Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

AROUSAL AND STIMULATION Blowing in partner's ear: 15 Blowing in your own

ear: 2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed) Partner looks better with

clothes on: 10 Partner wears corrective underwear: 15 Partner turns out to

be of wrong sex: 100 You don't mind: 0.25 Partner wearing elevated socks:

50

DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME Fumbling around: 4 Desperately trying to put

something somewhere: 18 Completely missing: 126

POSITIONS Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26 German (facing each

other, but in different beds): 48 English (woman on top; man hiding): 15

American (both on top): 1,243

AFFLICTIONS Leg cramp: 36 Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612

Sneezing (during intercourse): 7 Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

ASSORTED ACCIDENTS Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5

Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72 Extinguishing cigarette (in

ashtray): 1 Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17 Extinguishing

cigarette (in partner's leg): 133 Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE Shoes flew off: 15 _Expression didn't change: 0.5

Room turned purple: 4 Face turned purple: 78 Earth moved: 30 If Earth

actually moved: 1,234,588 Moaning in Turkish: 506

THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX "I am so grateful": 15 "It must have been

something we ate": 15 "Was it good for you?"

: 15 "Are you finished?"

: 15

TRYING AGAIN If woman is ready: 5 If man is not: 563

ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP After sex: 18 During sex: 546 While

parking car: 212

SLEEP Real: 5 Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

TAKING A BATH TOGETHER In a bath: 5 In a sink: 150 In a jacuzzi: 15,269

MAKING THE BED With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness

obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired). With

you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound

dissatisfaction)

KEEPING A JOURNAL Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be

helpful for keeping track of weight loss.You needn't go into detail, just

list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a

woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience

might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold

Explaining how: 12 Suggesting something different: 3 Calming terrified

Harold: 40 Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8 Foreplay (a

little of this; a little of that): 56 Intercourse (standing position): 22

Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10 Intercourse (urging him on): 5 Orgasm:

not sure Thanking Harold: 3 Waving bye-bye: 1 Total time: six minutes

(taxi waiting) Total calories burned: 160

[Shenelle]

ohhh dear - thats just funny! I need more jokes to get me through my 10 hr shift today! Im thankful for jokes - they keep me in a good frame of mind!

[JOLENE]

History Lesson





Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

[Shenelle]

OMG - that is freaky! Thanks for that! :)
More please! I need to be entertained when im at work! post more jokes etc :)
Pwety Pweese!

[JOLENE]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young

mothers and their small children.





"You all have obsessions," he observed.





To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even

named your daughter Candy."





He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests

itself in your child's name, Penny."





At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand

and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

[JOLENE]

There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have

sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and
squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

[JOLENE]

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with

delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how

ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just

came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an

18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[Shenelle]

Very good - love them! He he he he - these things are great! Demands more!
I think i need to employ someone to keep me entertained with jokes all day :)

[JOLENE]

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down their local bar, when

one said to the other, "If I ask you a question, will you promise to

answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "Fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "Why do you think all the guys around here

find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow, "My

wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "You must be the only guy who hasn't noticed

that she can't say NO!"

[JOLENE]

Very good - love them! He he he he - these things are great! Demands more!
I think i need to employ someone to keep me entertained with jokes all day :)


i have a whole lot more, but most of them are R18 :D

[JOLENE]

A little boy walks into his parents room and sees his mom bouncing up and

down on top of his dad.

Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worrying about what her son has

seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes

I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asks his Mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her

knees and blows it right back up."

[JOLENE]

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Sydney

> University. It was in the local newspaper and even Alan Jones

> mentioned it.

>

>

>

> It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the

> reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the

> crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long

> distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to

> thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law

> for providing such a lavish reception.

>

> As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone

> a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's

> chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said

> this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

> Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex

> with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks

> earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just

> standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of

> minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F---you!". Then he

> turned to his bride and said "F--- you!" too.

>

> Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He

> had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

>

> While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after

> finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade,

> as if nothing were wrong. His revenge..making the bride's parents pay

> over $32,000 for a 300

guest

> wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best

> man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

> This guy has balls the size of church bells.

> Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of

> this?:

>

> Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and

> friends..............$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the

> occasion............................

> $ 3,000.

> Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in

> Maui....................... $ 8,500. The look on everyone's face when

> they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best

>

man............................................... ......................

..

> Priceless

>

> There's some things money can't buy, for everything else there's

> MASTERCARD.




- is that really true?

[JOLENE]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man

in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[JOLENE]

Men are like ... Laxatives ... They irritate the sh ! t out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Shenelle]

ohhh that one was great!!! like that! :)

[JOLENE]

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five
bucks from her purse
and
threw them to Fido, the family dog. When asked
why by her former
employer,
she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was
for helping me clean
the
dishes all the time!

[JOLENE]

Think about these one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one...
IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, especially the thought at the end.

NATURAL HIGHS

1. Being in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No queues at the supermarket.

5. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

6. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.

7. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

8. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

9. Chocolate milkshake ... (or vanilla ... or strawberry!)

10. A bubble bath.

11. Giggling.

12. A good conversation.

13. Finding a £20 note in your coat from last winter.

14. Running through sprinklers.

15. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

16. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

17. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

18. Waking up and realising you still have a few hours left to sleep.

19. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

20. Having someone play with your hair.

21. Sweet dreams.

22. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

23. Holding hands with someone you care about.

24. Running into an old friend and realising that some things (good or bad) never change.

25. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you.

26. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

27. Knowing that somebody misses you.

28. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.

29. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.



Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.



Number 13 reminded me of the other day, when I scrimped around and found $215.00 to go pay for my years registration on my car, only to find when I got there it wasn't due for another 6 months!!! :D

[JOLENE]

okay i think im all joked out now ..

[Shenelle]

awww thanks so much! I will wait for the next ones! Thanks a million!

[maiizhigh]

haha. you must really be bored at work Shen. :p

Disorder in the Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 18th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q:And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget?Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A:Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A:My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of your baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A:No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[JOLENE]

A teacher was playing a game with her class. She said "I'm holding
something behind my back. It's red and you can eat it."

A little boy puts his hand up and says, "Please Miss, is it a tomato?"

"No," replied the teacher, "It's an apple, but it shows you're thinking!"
She continued, "I'm now holding something behind my back. It's yellow and
you can eat it."

A little girl puts her hand up and says, "Please Miss, is it a banana?"

"No," replied the teacher, "It's a lemon, but it shows you're thinking!"

Just then, little Johnny at the back, giggling putt's his hand up and
says, " 'ere Miss, I got one for ya! I'm holding somefin' under the table.
It's straight and 'ard, two inches long and got a round red bit at the
end!"

The teacher says, "Johnny, don't be so vulgar!"

Johnny says, "It's a match Miss, but it shows you're thinking!"

[JOLENE]

An elderly couple was watching a show where a preacher was talking about
the healing powers of God.

"To all of those who are ailed by some sickness, place your hand on the
screen and I will heal you!" the preacher exclaimed.

The old lady, who was having some stomach problems, placed her hand on the
top of the T.V.

The old man placed his hand on the T.V. also, then stuck his hand deep
into his pants.

His wife looks over at him and says, "Gordon, the preacher is talking
about healing the sick, not raising the dead!"

[JOLENE]

How come when you mix water and flour together

you get glue..



and then you add eggs

and sugar...

and you get cake?


Where did the glue go?


NEED AN ANSWER?

You know damn well where it went!

That's what makes the cake...

Stick to your ASS!

[JOLENE]

A plane is about to crash. There are 5 passengers on board, but there are only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says:

"I am Ronaldo, the best football player in the world. The football world needs me, and I cannot die on my fans."
He grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says:

“I am the wife of the former president of the United States; I am the senator of New York and I have a good chance of being president of the United States in the future.“

She grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says:

“I am the president of the United States of America. I have huge responsibilities in the world. Besides, I am the smartest president in the history of my country and can‘t shun the responsibility to my people by dying.“

He grabs a pack and jumps off the plane.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a young school boy:
"I am old. I have lived my life as a good person as a priest should and so I shall leave the last parachute to you; you have the rest of your life ahead of you."

To this the little boy says:

“Don‘t fret old man…..

There is a parachute for each of us!

The smartest president of America took my schoolbag....."

[JOLENE]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".

Gently he takes her hand and says, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee , then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

[JOLENE]

APARTMENT FOR RENT

> > A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her
> > for $500.
> >
> > So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash
> > with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
> > calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.
> >
> > On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the
> > whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for
> > $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
> >
> > Dear Madam:
> >
> > Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
> > apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
> > apartment, I was under the impression that;
> >
> > 1) it had never been occupied
> >
> > 2) that there was plenty of heat
> >
> > 3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
> >
> > However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
> > wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
> >
> > Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
> > with the following note:
> >
> > Dear Sir,
> >
> > First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to
> > remain unoccupied indefinitely.
> >
> > As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
> >
> > Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
> > don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
> >
> > Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
> > landlady.

[JOLENE]

Harassment?

Do you know what sexual harassment is?





It's when a man talks dirty to a woman.





What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?





$3.99 a minute.

[Shenelle]

Very nice! Ive had a good laugh! Thanks guys! I get VERY bored here at work! As Im sure you can see!

[jademonty]

What do you call an angry chocolate bar??..............A violent crumble :p

[JOLENE]

Very nice! Ive had a good laugh! Thanks guys! I get VERY bored here at work! As Im sure you can see!

dunno who's boredest .. you for reading .. or me for posting!

[Shenelle]

u for posting! but keep it up! It provides alot of entertainment for us all here at the office while we count down the minutes till home time!

[JOLENE]

i dont have many left .. just been reading the jokes that were sent to me from an old workmate .. they were sent like a year ago!

[Shenelle]

lol - yeah i occasionaly get them - but they are never as good as the ones u put up!

[JOLENE]

i have tonnes of good pps things too, but can't put them up here, which is a shame ..

[Shenelle]

awww no jokes to entertain me today? It may be a Sunday and all - but I still have to work! I STILL need entertaining!

[i_love_wil_anderson]

There are 3 men sitting in a bar, an American, a Swede and an Australian.
Then Jesus walks in and says to the men, "I will heal any of your ailments if you have any."
The American says, "Yes Jesus, I have had crippling arthritis for many years now."
Jesus touched his hand and he was cured.
The Swede said, "Yes Jesus, I am blind in one eye."
Jesus touched him and he was cured.
Then Jesus walked over to the Australian preparing to heal his ailments and the Aussie said, "Don't you dare touch me, I'm on compo!"

[Shenelle]

PMSL - thats hillarious! Thanks heaps for that!

[i_love_wil_anderson]

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor

Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove! (hahaha sorry everyone lol)

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

[Shenelle]

hahahaha nice!
Thanks so much! And with that note i declare that its HOMETIME!!!!! yay!

[Neo]

oh well i'm still adding a joke! (and this one is true)

the sign outside a church reads:
"This mornings sermon: Jesus walks on the water.
This evenings sermon: Searching for Jesus"

hehe it tickled my funny bone

[i_love_wil_anderson]

whats the difference between a plastic bag and michael jackson??
one is white, plastic and dangerous to children, the other is used for carrying groceries.

[Shenelle]

omg - that is so funny! sorry! PMSL!

[JOLENE]

ok i know this is going to sound really dumb .. but what does PMSL mean?

[lozzy]

ok i know this is going to sound really dumb .. but what does PMSL mean?
Pissing MySelf Laughing :)

[JOLENE]

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,
"T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
_expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,

"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[JOLENE]

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the doggie for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the doggie was in heat,and to come and ask you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"



..

..

The little girl said;She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[JOLENE]

>WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

>She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
>Her son is on the cover of the Weeties box.
>Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
>Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
>And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.>

>WOMEN'S REVENGE>

>"Cash, cheque or credit?" I asked, after folding items the
>woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I
>noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
>"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she
>replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
>so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do
>to him.">

>UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

>I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
>understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
>your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be
>afraid of a spider.>

>CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS>

>A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the
>aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
>help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons
>for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few
>minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
>ball of string on the counter.
>She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
>some tampons for your wife?"
>He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my
>wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she
>came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;
>cause it's sooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to
>roll my own, so does she.">

>(Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk
>carton!)>

>WIFE VS. HUSBAND>

>A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
>saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument
>and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As
>they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the
>husband asked sarcastically,
>"Relatives of yours?"
>"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[JOLENE]

A married couple in their early 60s were out
celebrating their 35th
wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little
restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on
their table and said,
"For
being such an exemplary married couple and for
being faithful to each
other
for all this time, I will give you each a wish.

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
dearest husband!" said
the
wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and -
abracadabra! - Two tickets
for
the QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a
moment and said: "Well
this
is all very romantic - but an opportunity like
this only occurs once in
a
lifetime...so... I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is to have a wife 30
years
younger than me."

The wife - and the fairy - were deeply
disappointed, but a wish is a
wish...
So the Fairy made a circle with her magic stick
and - abracadabra! - The
husband became 92 years old.

You see... Men might be jerks....But fairies
are......female!

[JOLENE]

27 Reasons to Smile!!



1. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every
minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's
illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out
alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only
talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

10. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.

11. God must love stupid people; he made so many.

12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

13. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to
get you.

14. Consciousness: that annoying time between
naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start
again?

16. Being "over the hill" is much better than
being under it.

17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted
to be when I grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled
with the software.

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a
cash advance.

22. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was
already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is
nonetheless...... dead.

25. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it
uses up 3000 times the
memory on your computer.

26. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a
lifetime commitment
for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there's no
background music

[Shenelle]

Love it! Thanks heaps once again! Feel free to post more! Ive still got 1 more hour of work! Im working till 10:00pm tonight and i have a feeling this next hour is going to be VERY boring!

[maiizhigh]

Love it! Thanks heaps once again! Feel free to post more! Ive still got 1 more hour of work! Im working till 10:00pm tonight and i have a feeling this next hour is going to be VERY boring!
oh you poor thing.

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

[Shenelle]

hehehehe thanks heaps! that was good :p

[maiizhigh]

i'm bored, i need to procrastinate, so i'll add another joke :p.

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was
showing him his latest creation.

It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the
most obvious place which made it basically useless. "This is no
good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening.

How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a
long quest?"


"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most
worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted
it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small
guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch.

"Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out
upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he
assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop
their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or
damaged in some way.

All of them, except Sir Galahad.


"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur.

"You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles
have been true to me.

What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

[JOLENE]

i dont get your jokes maiizhigh, im so dense!

[da_lozmeister]

OHHHH maiizhigh!!! that's SOOOOOO wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! very good though

[i_love_wil_anderson]

oh you poor thing.

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

i dont get it ? please explain.....(im brunette by the way lol....but i have blonde streaks, dammit lol)

[angelblue]

Well if the guy is going back to the barber's house then he needs to know how long the barber is going to be away from his house ;) Obviously he's having a bit of fun with the barber's wife!

[i_love_wil_anderson]

oooohhhhh! lol i get it now, thats a good one :) thanks angel blue, you're the best :D

[JOLENE]

and it was so NOT obvious lol .. i didnt figure it out .. and its never funny when someones gotta spell it out for you :D

[Shenelle]

ahhhh thanks heaps for that! Im working till 7pm tonight! Only 1 more hour to go! Any more jokes?

[maiizhigh]

i'll see what i can do for you shens.
hmm...oh i found one from ages ago:

Mary had three daughters, none of whom ever believed in pre-marital
sex. As you can imagine, this made getting married a pretty major
event. When all three of her daughters got married at exactly the
same time, Mary was very anxious whilst they were all off on their
honeymoons, and was interested to hear how they were getting (it)
on.
She receives a postcard from the first daughter, but is disappointed
to find that it has only one word written on it: "Nescafe".
Confused, she gets a jar of Nescafe from the pantry. Upon reading
it, she understands the joke. "Good 'til the last drop", it says on
the label, and Mary is happy for her daughter.
The next day she receives a postcard from the second daughter. It
says "Benson and Hedges". Quickly, as she now understands the game,
she grabs her husband's pack of Benson and Hedges cigars, and is
pleased to read that it says "Extra long - King size".
The following day, Mary is disappointed not to receive a postcard
from the third daughter. After 3 more days, there is still
nothing. Mary waits an entire fortnight before finally receiving a
postcard. Written on it, in scribbly handwriting, are the
words: "British Airways". Quickly, Mary grabs a magazine and flips
to the centerfold page where there's a big ad for British Airways.
Written on the ad is: "3 times a day, 7 days a week, both ways".

...the worrying thing about that joke is that my friend's dad told it to her.

[Shenelle]

hahahah that is sooo bad! Id never tell my mum that kind of stuff tho!

Hahahahahaha I liked it ! More please! Still got 1/2 hr to go!

[maiizhigh]

i'm beginning to run out of jokes!
i know, how bad are the jokes her dad told her. and she would've been under 17 when he told them too her. :p


"The Nude Nuns"
3 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really
hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes
they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting
naked. Later they heard a knock on the door....

"Who is it?????", The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see
them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around
the room, then looked at them and said, "nice tits sisters, where do
you want the blinds??"

[Shenelle]

ok - that one was sad! lol

Kinda funny! Lol - i should have read it before i shared it with the whole office! oops! 10 mins to go!

[maiizhigh]

i told you i was running out.
i have to look for the rest, some other time. haha, me, procrastinate? never! :p

[jadeox]

Priest: What is your sin child?
Girl : I confess father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch...
Priest: Why?
Girl : Father he touched me....
Priest: Like this????
(The priest then touches the girl...)
Girl : Yes!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he stripped me naked...
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then rips the girl's clothes off.)
Girl : Yes!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he had sex with me...
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then has wild sex with her.)
Girl : Yes exactly like that!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : But father he had genitle herpees!!!
Priest: That son-of-a-bitch!!!!!

[missy_rulez]

Priest: What is your sin child?
Girl : I confess father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch...
Priest: Why?
Girl : Father he touched me....
Priest: Like this????
(The priest then touches the girl...)
Girl : Yes!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he stripped me naked...
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then rips the girl's clothes off.)
Girl : Yes!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he had sex with me...
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then has wild sex with her.)
Girl : Yes exactly like that!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : But father he had genitle herpees!!!
Priest: That son-of-a-bitch!!!!!

hahaha i love it serves the priest right,

[life is peachy without me]

Fix This

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

[da_lozmeister]

oooo nice!!!!! hahaha thats gold!

[JOLENE]

The Marriage Test
> >
> >I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year,and
so we
> >decided to get married.
> >My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my
> >girlfriend? She was a dream!
> >
> >There was only one thing bothering me, very
much indeed, and that one
thing
> >was her younger sister.
> >
> >My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years
of age, wore tight mini

> >skirts
> >and low cut blouses.
> >
> >She would regularly bend down when quite near
me and I got many a
pleasant
> >view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when
she
> >was near anyone else.
> >
> >One day little sister called and asked me to
come over to check the
Wedding
> >invitations.
> >
> >She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to
me that soon I was
to be
> >married, and she had feelings and desires for
me that she couldn't
overcome
> >and didn't really want to overcome.
> >
> >She told me that she wanted to make love to me
just once before I got
> >married and committed my life to her sister.
> >
> >I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
> >
> >She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom,
and if you want to go
ahead
> >with it just come up and get me."
> >
> > I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I
watched her go up the
stairs.
> >
> > When she reached the top she pulled down her
panties and threw them
down
> >the stairs at me.
> >
> >I stood there for a moment, then turned and
went straight to the
front
> >door.
> >
> >
> >I opened the door and stepped out of the
house.
> >
> > I walked straight towards my car.
> >
> > My future father-in-law was standing
outside. With tears in his
eyes
> >he
> >hugged me and said, "We are very happy that
you have passed our
little
> >test.
> >
> > We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter.
> >
> > Welcome to the family."
> >
> >The moral of this story is:
> >
> >Always keep your condoms in your car.

[JOLENE]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!

[JOLENE]

John O' Neill hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast
of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night,
with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been
there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come."

[JOLENE]

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(wait till you see the last one)!
> >
> > DORMITORY:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > DIRTY ROOM
> >
> > PRESBYTERIAN:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > BEST IN PRAYER
> >
> > DESPERATION:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > A ROPE ENDS IT
> >
> > GEORGE BUSH:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > HE BUGS GORE
> >
> > THE MORSE CODE:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > HERE COME DOTS
> >
> > SLOT MACHINES:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > CASH LOST IN ME
> >
> > ANIMOSITY:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > IS NO AMITY
> >
> > MOTHER-IN-LAW:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > WOMAN HITLER
> >
> > SNOOZE ALARMS:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
> >
> > A DECIMAL POINT:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > IM A DOT IN PLACE
> >
> > THE EARTHQUAKES:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > THAT QUEER SHAKE
> >
> > ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
> > When you rearrange the letters:
> > TWELVE PLUS ONE
> >
> > AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
> >
> > PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
> > When you rearrange the letters
> > (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
> > TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
> >
> >
> > Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
> > too much time on their hands!

[JOLENE]

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over

so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach," because I process food and

give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it

needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see

where it goes."

"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste

removal"

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a

huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was

bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Arseholes are usually in charge whether we think

it's a good idea or not!!

[JOLENE]

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only
have one rule here
inheaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there
are ducks all over
theplace. It is almost impossible not to step on
a duck, and
althoughthey try their best to avoid them, the
first woman
accidentally stepson one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she
ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your
punishment
forstepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps
accidentally on a duck
andalong comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a
thing. With him is
anotherextremely ugly man. He chains them
together with the
sameadmonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to bechained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY
careful whereshe
steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on
any ducks, but one
daySt. Peter comes up to her with the most
handsome man she has
everlaid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes
and muscular


St. Peter chains them together without saying a
word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to
deserve being
chainedto you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I
stepped on a duck!"

[JOLENE]

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part
of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's
normal size, and state the conditions."

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an
inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get
home!" She sat down, red-faced.

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.

"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you.
First, you have not studied your lesson.
Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

[JOLENE]

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "Who can tell
me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one
knows.

Finally, Little Johnny puts up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul
language and sexual innuendo, looks for another student to ask.

Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain
why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mommy say, 'That's
lovely'. Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

[Shenelle]

Once again - thanks heaps! Im working 10hrs today - so i need the laugh! I sit here at my desk and giggle away - others look at me like im an idiot - but i dont care :p

[da_lozmeister]

yeah im the same. its all good! keep em coming!

[Shenelle]

Nice work! Glad to see im not the only one! You ppl have a job now! To keep us others entertained :p

[life is peachy without me]

Don''t Say a Word

Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally found one for a great price, but it was missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he would have to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should''ve been.
His girlfriend was having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rode his new bike to her house, where she was outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don''t say a word." She told him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven''t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sat down for dinner and it was just how she described it. Dishes were piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody was saying a word. So Steve decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her on the table, and had sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.

A few minutes later he grabbed her mom, threw her on the table, and did a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend was furious, her dad was boiling, and her mother was a little happier. But still there was complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Steve remembered his motorcycle. He jumped up and grabbed his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend''s father backed away from the table and screamed, "Okay, enough already, I''ll do the goddam dishes!"

[life is peachy without me]

Closer to God

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

[life is peachy without me]

A Lonely Jew in Catholic School

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.
While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents ask him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"

He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"

[da_lozmeister]

HAHAHAHA i had to think about that oen for a bit. bloody teacher walked past and i lost my concentration lol

tis all good

[life is peachy without me]

Shriveled Lovin''

There was an old couple sitting at a table. The old man said to the old lady, "I remember 50 years ago we were sitting at this very table."
The old woman said, "Yes, and we were probably naked as jay birds."

The old man said, "Well, what do you say..wanna get naked?" So they both stripped.

The old woman said, "You know hunny, my breasts are just as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." a

The old man replied, "I can imagine, one is in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee."

[life is peachy without me]

Why God Created Man

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?" "Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"

Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman

[life is peachy without me]

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were all discussing how much their lives suck.
The cucumber says, "I get picked from my home, sliced up, and thrown a salad. My life sucks the most."
The pickle then says, "I get picked from my home, shoved in a jar, submerged in liquid thats smells awful. So my life sucks the most."

The penis then says, "Oh please! My life definitely sucks the most. I get a tarp wrapped over my head, stuck in a wet black hole, and rammed against a wall until I vomit."

[life is peachy without me]

A bear was chasing a little rabbit.
"Stop running and get back here!" yelled the bear.

"Never!" shouted the rabbit.

As the rabbit was running he tripped on a lamp. His soft furry foot brushed the lamp and out popped a genie.

The genie noticed the frightened rabbit was being chased by the bear.

The genie said to the bear,"Hey! If you stop chasing him I''ll grant you and the rabbit both two wishes!"

The bear agreed and was so eager he jumped to go first. He said, "I wish that a had the biggest penis in the world!"

*Poof!* and his wish was granted.

The rabbit went next, "I wish I had a super fast motorcycle!"

*Poof* and the rabbit''s wish was granted.

The bear looked at the rabbit and thought, "What a lame wish!"

For his final wish, the bear smirked as he wished that all the other bears in the world were female.

*Poof* his wish was granted.

The rabbit jumped on his motorcycle, revved the engine and laughed.

Just before he booked out of there he said, "I wish the bear was gay!"

[Shenelle]

hehehhehe I liked those :) I love jokes! Im such a kid sometimes! More please!

[Neo]

i'm in maths at school and i'm SOO BORED. i need another joke. ooh i thought of one!
a mans perfect woman has a flat head to rest his beer on, is three feet high and toothless.

[Shenelle]

Thats just wrong! Ewwwww - dont give me images!

Im bored too! Im sitting here at work with a can of Pepsi Max on my lip to try and reduce the swelling!

[JOLENE]

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mum and dads for the night.
In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks
his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think? "
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum says, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "OK! What do you think?"
He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

[JOLENE]

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like a male or female"? "Female please."
"Would you like a black or white"? "White please.
"Would you like Christian or Muslim"?
This question confused the man and he replied, "What has the religion
got to do with it? It`s an inflatable doll" !!!
"Well", explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up".

[JOLENE]

Sign at Zoo:

PLEASE BE SAFE
Do not climb, stand, lean or sit on zoo fences
If you fall, animals might eat you, and that would make them sick.
Thank you.


Sign in Bathroom:

OUR AIM IS TO KEEP THIS BATHROOM CLEAN
GENTLEMEN
Your aim will help, stand closer. It's shorther than you think
WOMEN
Please remain seated for the entire performance


Sign somewhere .. not sure where

PLEASE
Don't throw your cigarette ends on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer


Sign on store

MR TOSKANA
Has had an expensive divorce and now needs the money so SALE ON NOW


Sign in front of gas station

MY BOSS TOLD ME TO CHANGE THE STUPID SIGN SO I DID


Sign in bus

NOTICE TO NITELINK PASSENGERS

Ladies, the poles are fitted for your safety.
Please no dancing.


Another sign

CAUTION:
This machine has no brain, use your own.


Sign at beach

Attention Dog Guardians
Pick up after your dogs, thank you.

Attention Dogs
Grrr, bark, wooof.
Good dog.


Its most likely funnier when you see the pictures.

[life is peachy without me]

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are yo